I am writing this post several months after having created this blog.  Now that I have started writing here, I have a better idea of what this blog is really about.  So, now I will set it up.

I have this idea for a story.  It is called My Kitchen Table.  The thing about it is that the idea is not really new, it’s not really original.  Not many things are when you think about it.  But it is a way to look at how we become human.  That’s really the crux of it.  My Kitchen Table is a way to describe or think about our self.  I mean selves.  Don’t be scared by the idea.  Although I certainly was when I first talked about it with a friend.  Actually it was a therapist.  A really good one.  For many years I have tried to figure out why I react or behave the way I do in different circumstances.  I don’t mean the everyday circumstances like getting mad when it seems that only I can fill the dishwasher or take my shoes off in the mudroom before entering the house.  I mean seriously.  What is a mudroom for?  To come into a house and remove all weather tainted, dirty overclothes.  Right?  Right.   Getting mad or pissy about that is probably pretty normal.  What I am talking about is bigger.

For example, when I am challenged by someone why do I immediately feel a rush of heat starting in my lower belly and flushing through my scalp making it almost impossible to speak.  Or why am I so resistant to letting people help me.  Maybe that’s why no one fills the dishwasher –  because I’ve previously shoved them out of the way.  But I think the answers are not simply “well you are a martyr” or “you are easily offended”.  I think the answer is much deeper and related to the many people around My Kitchen Table.

Simply put My Kitchen Table is a picture that comes immediately to mind when I imagine myself.  It is a beige round kitchen table in a room with windows but no visible door.  Around the table sit 6 females of varying ages.  They all look like me but with slightly different characteristics.  They are all dressed differently in a way that reflects their personality.  Here they are.

Meet Karen 1.  Karen is 5 years old and cannot walk.  She is dressed in shorts and a Peter Pan collared white shirt.  She is either sitting on someone’s lap or is being carried around by one of the other table sitters.  Karen is wide-eyed, happy and curious but also quiet.

Meet Karen 2.  Karen 2 is in her 30’s with long blond hair and wearing black framed “birth control” glasses.  She is a lawyer and wears a grey suit, always trousers never a skirt.  Karen 2 is smart and capable.  She sits with her arms on the table, hands clasped.  She usually has papers around her.  Sometimes Karen 1 is sitting on her lap, sometimes not.  Her posture shows that she is clearly the one in charge.

Meet Karen 3.  Karen 3 is the runner.  She is probably in her late teens or 20’s and is wearing 1970’s gym shorts with tube socks and sneakers.  Karen 3 continuously runs around the table, never sitting down.  She is sometimes carrying Karen 1, either piggy backed or like a monkey.  Karen 3 furtively glances around the room, watching for something or someone.  She is always ready to take off.

Meet Karen 4.  Karen 4 is also in her 30’s.  She wears jeans and a t-shirt, hair hanging long and often in her face.  Karen 4 doesn’t talk much or look around.  She plays with her hands and looks down a lot.  Karen 4 is shy and tries to stay under the radar hoping to be unnoticed.

Meet Karen 5.  Karen 5 is a bitch in her 30’s.  She has perfected the classic resting bitch face and is quite proud of it.  Karen 5 wears jeans and a t-shirt but is adorned with beads and bangles.  She sits at the table with arms crossed, waiting to pick a fight.  She prides herself on being tough, strong and independent.  She will never ask for help.  Karen 5 glares at all the others one by one or has her back to the table.

Meet Karen 6.  Karen 6 is the comedian.  She wears glasses and is kind of a hot mess.  She is mostly self deprecating and will turn almost any comment into something laughable.  Anytime something serious comes up or someone is scared or sad, Karen 6 will chime in to lighten the air.   She is probably not actually that funny but finds that making light of things, particularly herself, will usually make things easier to handle.  Karen 6 just wants to make people laugh.

This is My Kitchen Table.  Each of these women/girls is a different version of me.  They did not all exist innately within me but instead were “born” at different times of my life based on circumstances.  This doesn’t make any one of them any less real or important than the others.  I am sure that everything I do arises from one of these Karens.   Each one is in turn smart, silly, afraid, angry and ready to run at a moments notice.  The funny thing about my Table is that it came so easily to me.  As soon as my friend said “think of it as a kitchen table”, I pictured these people.  How they were dressed, their hair, their demeanor, their posture.  The clarity of this image never ceases to amaze me.

The other amazing thing is that understanding who these people are and where they came from has helped me to understand myself and, really, give myself a break.  None of them are perfect.  Even together, as a whole, they are not perfect.  But they do make sense of otherwise confusing thoughts and emotions.

So, I’m sure that each post on this blog will reflect the thoughts and ideas of one or another of the occupants sitting at My Kitchen Table.  Who’s at your kitchen table??