How are you?  How could three simple, kind words make you so uncomfortable.  A couple of days ago a good friend of mine said “hello”, hugged me and then said “how are you”.  I responded with “good, how are you doing?”.  She said “good” too.  As we turned to go on our way, I thought about how much I hate that question.  I feel phony when I simply say “good”, like I should have said more.  In some circumstances, asking someone how you are can be a kind way to start a conversation.  But when you think about it, what do they really want to know.  Does anyone actually want to hear how you really are??

This all occurred to me because at that particular moment I really wasn’t “good”.  I was feeling sad.  I had just heard about a death in our family and was not quite on top of my game.  But I certainly didn’t want to tell my friend that.  What would I say?  “Thanks for asking but I’m feeling pretty shitty right now.  My step father-in-law just died and I feel really awful for my mother-in-law.  We’ve had so many deaths in our family lately and I’m just so tired and sad.”  I don’t think that response would have been what she expected or wanted to hear and ultimately would have created an uncomfortable silence.

I think the tendency to say “hi” and then, automatically “how are you” is a really interesting norm in our society.  It’s a nice way to start a conversation for sure.  But is it an honest query?  Isn’t it true that when it rolls off your tongue in casual conversation, it’s more of an expression than a question?  If approached that way, then the natural response would be “good and you?”.  But if you are supposed to be honest then “good” might not be it.  Instead you might want to say “shitty today, maybe better tomorrow”.   That of course opens up a whole can of worms to discuss and does anyone really have time for that?  How would that make the questioning person feel?  Probably sorry they asked.

I am guilty of asking the same question of course.  In fact, I just answered the phone and said “Hi Linda, how are you?”.   As I said it, I realized that I meant it as a nicety not really a question.  But I did hear a smile in Linda’s voice.  I think generally speaking people are happy when you take an interest in them and asking how someone is expresses that interest.  At least some of the time.   And maybe that’s why we say it so automatically.   To show interest in others.  I think the key is not to feel bad when you answer with the generic “I’m good, how about you?” even if you are feeling awful.  Realizing that the question is not intended to elicit an honest response, but instead is merely a generic greeting is an interesting thing to learn about human interaction.  I think, in part, it reveals our discomfort with silence.  I know this is absolutely true for me.  I will often rattle on and on about nothing in particular when conversation starts to lag.

Nonetheless, it might be funny to answer honestly sometime and see what happens.  Will the person back away, look confused or uncomfortable.  Or will they strike up a conversation about your answer.  My guess is discomfort.  Maybe I’ll try it.  Stay tuned.