So.  I want to write.  I don’t really mean “be a writer” but I want to write.  It would be nice to write stuff that other people want to read or that makes other people think.   It would also be nice to have something I write published somewhere.  Not anywhere big or important but somewhere.  But the truth is those things are less important that just writing for me.  To express myself, my thoughts, my fears.   That’s why I started this blog.  Because I can write about anything I want and post it, without fear of being judged.

But here’s the rub.  If all this is true, then why can’t I just start writing.  Other than here, that is.  I have ideas for stories – one in particular – but just can’t get out of my own way to start.  I keep putting it off.  Waiting for the perfect time.  We all know this will never happen.  There is no time like the present.

After spending days (an understatement) thinking about this and struggling to push past it, I realize that I am afraid that I won’t be any good.  That everything I will say will be stupid and useless.  People will laugh and say “what ever made her think she’d be any good at writing – she’s such a loser”.  Well, I don’t really need anyone to say this about me.  I’m pretty good at saying it to myself.  Every damn day.

I can talk a big game to others about not caring what other people think of you and about how the most important thing is to be present and genuine with yourself.  Somehow when it comes to myself I get lost in the weeds of self doubt.  I guess we all do to some extent.  But for me this is the big bridge I have to cross.  And I want to cross it now – then blow it up.

I remember my Uncle Bob saying to me “do what you love and you will be satisfied”.  He also said that “the money will follow”.  I’m not so sure about that part.  But the part about being satisfied is absolutely true.  When I start writing, like in this very moment, I get excited.  You know that flurry in your belly that means you are having fun and feeling giddy about what you are doing?  This is the most powerful indicator of meeting your purpose and living it.  I know this like I know my own hand.

I’m lucky enough to have the opportunity and time to write and not worry about supporting myself.  Lucky is actually an understatement.   So, from this moment on I will focus on being grateful for that and on becoming satisfied and happy by writing.  Just for writing’s sake.  And also of course for me.  Bottom line is this – my mantra from here on is “feed your belly…feed it with words and stories”.  Write on.