For most of my adult life I thought I would never have children.  I really couldn’t see myself as a mother.  My “best cousin” and I would sit for hours and talk about how we would never have kids but would have as many puppies and kittens as we could.  This continued on until I was about 30.  Then I met someone who changed my mind.  They didn’t stay around for long but long enough for me think “okay, I actually might want a child after all”.  So, my plan evolved to adopting at 40 if no one else showed up.  Luckily someone surfaced and we now have 3 children.  They range in age between 20 and 12.

I had my first child at 36.  After that it became more difficult to conceive, which explains the many years between them.  When I think about how many years I have spent thinking about having and then actually having my kids it astounds me.  I can easily take myself back to the time I was so emphatic about not having them.  That person would never have spent almost 8 years trying to become pregnant.  Never say never.

Like all mothers,  I cannot imagine my life without my children.  They are by far my proudest accomplishment and are the one true thing that gives me my purest joy.  But also, like most mothers, I have plenty of days when I think about how crazy I must be to have THREE of them.   As the math will tell you, to date I have spent 20 years raising them and it is not over yet.  Nor will it ever be.  It certainly changes as they get older and begin to create their own lives but my mothering of them will never leave me.  (Sorry kids but I’m all in to infinity and beyond).  Most days I wouldn’t have it any other way.

However, I would be totally lying if I didn’t admit that as they reach their teen years thoughts of wishing I’d stuck with puppies and kittens do wander through my crazed mind.  Changing diapers, burping, bathing, and feeding moves to becoming a chauffeur, tutor, cheerleader, ATM and chef.  Keeping schedules for 2 teens and 1 young adult can be  maddening.  Some days you wonder how you actually made it out of your PJ’s and back into them through such a shit storm.  I’m sure any parent reading this will understand.  So when this summer rolled around and we realized that they would ALL be gone at the same time for a solid 2 weeks I thought “Holy Hell!!!!  2 weeks of NO KIDS.  No driving anywhere 4 or 5 times to drop off and pick up.  No daily grocery shopping because no one actually wants to eat the same thing.  No worrying about leaving a teen girl home alone with her younger brother for fear of him ripping his ears off his head because she is singing.  No reminding your college student that yes, it’s still our house and you must let me know where you are and when you are coming home”.   I couldn’t imagine the freedom I would feel – the blissful silence in our house.  And then I could.

Camp drop off for the last one was yesterday.  So, yes, today is Day One of my 2 week hiatus.  You might ask me what I’m doing and how fabulous I must be feeling now that I’m a childless adult.  Well, guess what?  It’s too quiet, I’m too lonely, I miss the grocery store and feel like the dog and I are taking turns barking every time someone walks by the house.  I can’t figure out what to do.  Last night I couldn’t sleep.  I must have woken up 15 times wondering if my youngest is crying himself to sleep at camp.  Are they all eating enough?  Showering enough?  Do they miss me as much as I miss them?   Oh my God, will we have enough time to school shop by the time they get back?  I’m actually thinking maybe I shouldn’t bother getting out of my PJ’s at all.  After hearing me sigh for the 100th time this morning, my husband told me to “Take it down a notch.  They’ll be back soon enough and aren’t really leaving for several years yet and one maybe never”.  I guess that really is music to my ears.  It is so funny how you think you know yourself and your reaction to different phases of life but when those phases actually play out, you can totally be thrown for a loop.

Never underestimate the power of your children and of your immense need for and love of them.  It is beautiful, joyful, sad, crushing, mind boggling and the most lovely experience I have ever had.  I am pretty sure that the puppies and kittens would not have impacted me in quite the same way.  At least now I know I am most definitely NOT READY FOR AN EMPTY NEST.