Meanwhile, back at the Kitchen Table, a lively discussion of whether or not to apply to law school has begun.  (See, She’s a Runner, to remember what the “Kitchen Table” is all about).  Almost everyone around the table thinks it’s a good idea.  Even little Karen1, who doesn’t really know what law school is but sees how happy everyone is about it.   And if they are happy so is she.  There is, however, one exception.  It’s not as if you would know that she even exists but one of these women is firmly against the idea of going back to school, never mind law school.  She is profoundly uncomfortable when doing anything that requires being noticed.  Introducing . . . Karen4.  

This version of the woman represented by the Kitchen Table is probably the one I know best.  She has been around almost as long as the littlest Karen.  She doesn’t talk much or look around.  She plays with her hands and stares at anything but the others.  Her eyes are usually downcast as she tries to stay under the radar hoping to be unnoticed.    She is so translucent that she is almost invisible.  To say that she is shy is quite an understatement.  She is unassuming to a fault wearing her “uniform” of ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt.  Her hair hangs long and often covers her face.  There is no doubt that she is hiding from something and certainly does not want to be found.

From a young age, Karen4 was fondly referred to by her mother as “her shrinking violet”.  She was painfully shy, had a few good friends to play with but mostly preferred to be at home with a good book, or actually any book.  In school, Karen4 absolutely HATED speaking in front of people – even if they were her friends.  She felt as if anything she said would be wrong.  She was deathly afraid of looking stupid.  When she became uncomfortable with any situation that might point to her or when attention turned her way she would shrink into herself hoping to become almost invisible.  In those moments she wished fervently that she could reduce her size to an inch tall so she could scurry away and hide in a corner of the room until the risk of being noticed passed.  This is the need to be invisible in full throttle.  It is clear that the best way to avoid shyness and the fear that underlies it is simply to put on your invisibility cloak.

Returning to the law school decision for a minute, picture this.  The women around the Kitchen Table are deep in conversation about this costly and long-term life decision.   In large part, the decision to go back to school is simple.  Karen5, who we haven’t officially met yet but will most certainly cause you to nod and say “Oh yes.  That one I’ve seen before . . . .”, leads the group and sums up what most of them are thinking.  “For God’s sake ladies, we need to get our shit together.  It’s time to grow the hell up.  Plus I think we all agree that we need to do something that will ensure that we get the hell out of bed every day and have super cool shit to wear”.  At this everyone is nodding furiously and picturing the newest pair of Rag and Bone jeans they have been coveting.

Then suddenly Karen4 pipes up from beneath her curtain of hair and says in her soft, quivering voice, “Who does that?  Who puts themselves in a situation that will shock their very core?  I’m not going.  No.  Forget it.  Figure something else out.”  The rest are all stunned into silence.  At first, they think – who the hell is that?  Then realizing that she does, in fact, belong there in her transparent seat at the Kitchen Table, they agree that it might be time for Karen4 to go.  The fear and self-doubt that she brings to the table just don’t really serve the “greater good” of the Kitchen Table.  They realize that law school might be the best way to overcome the extreme shyness and insecurity that plagues them.  Understanding that they are considering her elimination, Karen4 slinks back into her chair and immediately blends in with the wallpaper.

Fast forward about 20 years, including those fun-filled years at law school, and you will find that Karen4 was not eliminated and does, indeed, still sit at the Kitchen Table.  It would appear then that having an invisibility cloak may have some value after all.  The question troubling the Kitchen Table is what on earth could that value be?  I have pondered this question for many years finally realizing that being shy is not an easy thing to extinguish.  Apparently shyness and its evil twin, fear, are amazingly resilient – for good reason.

Here’s the thing, being invisible does serve a purpose much larger than mere protection from your fears or introverted nature.  When you are invisible you can blend into a crowd and watch all that is happening right in front of you without having to engage.  In doing so, you can take time to digest what’s happening and carefully choose how you will participate, or not.  Eventually, of course, you will be seen and heard and if you are smart about this you will be seen and heard in whatever way you choose at that time.  Karen4 is actually someone who can reinvent who she is each time she is seen in every new light or circumstance simply by waiting in the wings until she decides how to engage.  I understand now that if you hide in the shadows you are actually controlling when you are noticed.  You are choosing how people will see you – if they will see you.  It appears that being shy is a many-faceted characteristic.  How’s that for being tricky??

So, I guess I have come to the conclusion that Karen4 who certainly is hiding, might actually be doing so simply to give herself time to decide who she is at that moment – and how that choice will best suit her needs.  There may be a method to her madness after all.

People who know me today, even a little bit, claim to have never seen this particular Karen.  The person they see and think they know is an open book.  She speaks loudly, cracks a lot of jokes – most of them self-deprecating, and isn’t afraid to say what she thinks.  She writes letters to the editor expressing her opinions and openly flashes her resting bitch face when necessary.  But what these people don’t see is, of course, intentional by Karen4.  How could they see someone who fades in and out of sight?  Karen4 has the distinct ability to be seen and heard only when it suits her.  Granted, her very existence means that it almost never suits her.  However, I am inclined to think that the notion of hiding and deciding when to be visible, regardless of the fear that might be behind it, is a meaningful and important characteristic.  One that I am beginning to appreciate and embrace.

Karen4 isn’t going anywhere.  She is not to be “snuffed out”.  She is actually an integral part of what makes the Kitchen Table function.  She will let you know when she is ready to be seen – on her own terms.

She should not be underestimated.