Today is Mother’s Day. It’s one of my favorite holidays because it celebrates the core of who I am – of anyone who is a mom. My own Mom has been gone now for a few years. But I will celebrate her today as if she is right here by my side. After all, it’s because of her that I’m here. And I mean that in more than the obvious way.

My Mom kept me alive and gave me an inner strength that I carry to this day. Through so many of life’s challenges my Mom was beside me and I knew, without having to think about it, that she would be there to pick me up, dust me off and help me limp back to my corner of the ring – only to come out stronger than ever. She never failed to have my back. I will admit that I didn’t always recognize this. In fact, it probably wasn’t until I had my own children that I realized what she had done for me for all the years of my life. Even now I feel like she is behind me looking over my shoulder – just in case. I sure hope so. Because there is never a day when I don’t think about what she might say or suggest about whatever current stumbling block might be thrown in my way.

Being a mother can be tricky. As a young woman I said I didn’t want children – I never thought it was a role I could capably fill. My status as ‘dog mom’ was plenty. And then I married and had my first son a year later. Through that first pregnancy I still had doubts about my ability to mother anyone walking on 2 rather than 4 feet. And then the doctor put him in my arms, I looked down and it was over. In that second, I finally understood what “love at first sight” meant and I knew with every fiber of my being that I would give my life for him without hesitation. I felt that same thing when my 2d and 3d children were born. There is something in that instant that changes you forever.

I think of it as the “mom switch”. A switch that stays on and glows within you forever. That is not to say that there aren’t times when I would happily turn the switch off. Being a mother is beautiful but it is also painful, anxiety ridden and impossible to feel confident about. There are days when I have doubted every decision I made, from “OMG did I give him the right amount of Tylenol or too much?” or “Should I have let her go on that playdate? That kid might not be the best match for her” to “How can I possibly let her drive away from me, what if she gets lost”. The list is filled with endless doubts – each with a potentially drastic outcome. At least in my mind they are drastic. My fears may not be based in reality but instead on my overriding need to keep them all safe. Forever tucked under my arms. It is an intensely personal and vivid need – the need to protect them. And I doubt that I will ever not feel it.

There is no doubt that my children are my proudest accomplishments and also in many ways my biggest challenge. It took some time for me to realize that they wouldn’t always do what I wanted or thought was best for them. It sounds ridiculous, even to me, to say that out loud. They have their own independent minds and hearts and will follow them. Just like I did. For better or worse. The challenge for me – every single day – is to accept that fact and let them fly along their own path despite my “certainty” that it might be a wrong turn.

For me, and this is my most poignant thought for the day, being a mother means wearing my protective armor – my cloak and dagger – every minute of every day since that first moment I saw their sweet little faces. I think the armor ignited when the switch went on. It became my new “birthday suit” and God help the person who necessitates my exposing it.

No one, of course, can see it. It lies just beneath the visible surface but I feel it every second. It is my shield and my weapon and if any of my children are threatened in any way it lights up like New York City on the blackest of nights. It expands and with it I gain a massive super hero-like strength. Make no mistake, I will not hesitate to use it against anyone who threatens a child of mine. And once the armor is out, it is almost impossible to retract. I am certain that I will wield my dagger at anyone who poses a threat. And I will not regret it.

My children – no matter their age – are my purpose. My blood. My heart. There is nothing stronger than that bond and I will preserve and protect it forever. Long past my exit from this earth.

So, on this Mother’s Day while we listen to my favorite “Mother’s Day song”, “Mama”, I will wear my armor with pride and joy and be so grateful that I was smart enough to choose motherhood, challenges and all.