I suspect that I am not alone in feeling like my mind, heart and soul sometimes gang up on me and present my past to me in unusual ways. Sometimes through dreams, the sense of deja vu, new experiences that seem to recall past events long forgotten and sometimes just plain old memories resurfacing at random intervals. Naturally these recollections include people – some I’d like to remember fondly and some I’d like to pretend never existed in my life. Either way it can be disconcerting to suddenly remember events that elicit old feelings and emotions and bring ghosts with them. Even when they are good ones.

Being who I am, a self proclaimed ‘Doubting Thomas’, I naturally assume that, “Uh oh. I must have made some tragic mistake or my mind wouldn’t be dredging itself and bringing these people and events to the surface”. And although this is likely just the nature of being human – lately it has made me wonder about whether or not it should give me pause to think about who and what is cropping up and the impact it may or may not have on my life now and in the future.

I am fully aware that I have led a very fortunate life. That is not to say that my life has been a walk in the park but I will say that overall I’ve been pretty lucky. With some exception, I had a pretty normal upper middle class childhood. I was lucky enough to go to a great college and law school. Have solid jobs that, if it weren’t for certain self-imposed weaknesses (a/k/a superpowers), allow me to live very comfortably. I have had and do have extremely wonderful and supportive friends. Some who are lifelong and some who were there when we needed each other and then we parted ways.

I have been lucky to have fallen in love several times. Some of those times equate to what Woody Allen called being in “lurve”. That’s pretty special and doesn’t come around much. Nor does it necessarily last. But experiencing it is a wonder and something to be very grateful for.

I’ve been around the marriage block a few times and, as a result of one very special marriage, have three amazing and perfect children. I was lucky enough to be able to stay home and raise all three of my babies and then reenter the workforce. As any woman knows, it is a gift to be able to stay home with your children but it also puts you a little behind the 8-ball once you start working again. I could write a whole post about that issue but that is not what this one is about.

So, while I can admit that I’ve been lucky, I can also say with certainty that all of my choices have not always been the right ones. As a human, I think that making life choices is somewhat of a crap shoot. And that has to take into account whether there is really any choice at all or if it is all just a matter of fate. But as usual I digress. Let’s avoid fate for now.

Some decisions are made spontaneously and some take years. In both circumstances the result is not always what you would expect or necessarily want. Rarely do we get a do-over when we find that what we thought we wanted did not exactly hit the mark. But if we are lucky, we learn to move forward, accept the consequences and keep the ball rolling. Sometimes it can be hard to even find the ball and then have the strength to push it. But with luck – and a good therapist – we carry on.

Even when we “carry on” – and this is really my point – the universe will throw something in your way and raise a memory that isn’t easy to shake. Memories of lost experiences and people can be melancholy. Some people you never, ever forget. They stay with you no matter where you land and that can sometimes be reassuring. Like the loss of your parents. As hard as that is to accept when it happens, there is something comforting about always having them present with you in some way. Sad but comforting. Wistful.

Some experiences that have ended and the people with them – once remembered – make me particularly wistful. Not because I am necessarily sad about the loss – whether it was due to my own decision, another’s, or fate. I might even know that whatever caused the loss ended up being the right thing. But even knowing that, it can be hard to shake the feeling of melancholy that the memory brings. And that makes me wistful.

I find that it it can be hard not to immediately think “Oh shit, why am I thinking about this now? Where did THAT dream come from? And why did I make that choice in the first place? What was I thinking? What a mistake. And now it’s too late.” As if the memory and the emotion it evokes are telling me that I should have turned left instead of right and what a dumbass I was for for ignoring the left option.

This of course only applies to choices we have actually made – not ones that were made for us.

Or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it applies to all left and right options. Those we made or those that were made for us. And maybe it doesn’t actually matter. Because the fact is that the result is here. This is where we are. Where we have landed. And where the future begins.

Nonetheless maybe the lesson is that it’s ok to be wistful. Maybe that is what makes us whole. All of the lurving, losses, successes, choices, fates interventions, combine to create the you that is you. And you encompass all of it.

Beauty comes in many forms and maybe the sense of our past lurves, choices, fates curve balls – all of it – however it happens, make us wistful. As they randomly show up they are beautiful simply because they were. Because they happened. We experienced them and that is enough.

It is also not lost on me that all of these lurves, choices, losses, successes, exist in one or another of the many Karen’s that drive this bus. There really isn’t just one of me. There are many and each one holds a part of me that carries one or maybe many of these encounters.

And each encounter is sometimes unexpectedly followed by a moment of pause.

To remember.

To mourn.

To appreciate.

To treasure.

To learn.

To do something different next time.

Or maybe just to stay the course.

It is all provocative. And how lucky are we for that gift. Right?