---

Having a Baby.

Today is Mother’s Day 2025. It also happens to be my eldest son’s birthday. He was born on Mother’s Day in 1997. The syncing of these events happens only once every 7 or so years. We’ve yet to figure out the math on that but suffice it to say that it is rare that we can celebrate both on the same day.

I absolutely love when it happens. It takes me back to the unbelievable experience of giving birth to my first child. He was about a month early and because Portsmouth, where we lived, didn’t have a neonatal unit I was shipped to Portland. That in itself was cause for crazy town. There was the ambulance ride. The hours of labor. The choice of epidural or no epidural. (Ultimately my low threshold for pain won the battle and I was granted the epidural). My 2 attending doctors arguing over whether I needed an episiotomy or not for what seemed like hours. My mother sitting in the room with us frantically knitting away as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Like most other births – it was A LOT.

So when the 2 “holidays” coincide I get a little extra shiver of maternal joy for this perfect young man.

Gratitude.

Truthfully, they teach me a lot all the time but today my thoughts are focused on how truly authentic they are as they move through life. They act with a genuineness that I rarely see in people. They are honest with themselves and walk through the world with the grace that comes from being unabashedly so. This might be what I am most proud of. And whether they know it or not they are teaching me how to be that way as well.

So, on this day this year I feel different. I feel more at ease with myself. I feel a little bit more real. By that I mean I am slowly embracing the me on the inside who is rarely allowed out. I think I am always authentic in my interactions with others. But there are many times that I stumble over the idea of letting myself go and I fall into a pit. The only way to crawl out is to shove that inner me down, stiffen up and march forward like the awkward 10 sided soldier I am.

Pondering the idea of authenticity today, I see that as I have been writing about the several Karens that sit around my kitchen table, I have found one common thread that runs through each one.

It is the inability to feel comfortable in my body – in my own skin. This is a version of being authentic all the way from the inside out.

It’s like this.

I have always wished that I could dance. I don’t just mean dance without stepping on someone’s toes. I mean dance as if there is no one else in the world. Dance with all of my body moving in sync with whatever music is playing – or maybe without any music playing at all. We have all seen people who are capable of moving freely and without restraint. Spinning and waving their arms, swaying to the music, with their head thrown back in abandon. I have never been able to express myself in this way. I might feel it but I just can’t let go and move without inhibition.

And then this happened.

I recently met a photographer, Hannah McMahon, who offers an “unbranded” photo shoot. The intent is to be photographed in a way that expresses who you are. Who you really are. @hannahmacstudios.com The use of the term unbranded is intentional. It is not photography that imposes a view of you on the world for a purpose but instead is a reflection of the free, uncompromised, unforced you. I scheduled the session because I wanted to see if I could relax into a moment and let go of my stillness. Let go of the me that is trapped and frozen inside my body and, if I could, see what that looks like. Through someone else’s lens – literally.

Well. This experience was amazing. I will say that I all but forgot about my stillness. I moved in a way that I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ll admit that it’s not as if I danced around the room with complete abandon. But I did move in a way that is not normally comfortable for me. It was at the same time authentic and uncomfortable. The combination was extraordinary.

I saw the photos a week later and the only thing I could get out of my mouth as we scrolled through was “What the fuck? Who is that?” It was of course me. But a me that I never really set free and certainly a me that I don’t let other people see. So yes, it’s yet another Karen, No. 10, and this one is the inner me that combats the controlled stiff stillness. The me that I want to be all the time, but just cannot seem to let myself express.

As we went through the photos I also realized that all of the Karens showed up in at least one photo. So, now I’ll show you what they each look like. At least in terms of stature and attitude through the eyes of Hannah Mac.

Karen 1 – The Child

Karen 2: The Lawyer

Karen 4: The Painfully Shy One

Karen 5: The Bitch

Karen 6: The Imposter.

Karen 7: The Shield

Karen 8: The Comedian

Karen 9: Mama

And finally – for now at least – Karen 10: The Karen that is Free.

Now, as you read the captions and compare them to the associated photo you might not really see how they sync up. But I do. Knowing each of these Karens as well as I do, the images project the quality each one carries.

So, a huge THANK YOU to Hannah McMahon. This experience gave me so much more than I expected. Not only beautiful photography but a sense of who I can be if I can just get the fuck out of my own way. And that day I took a step, did not stumble, and inched my way along.