Anger, irritation, annoyance. They are such powerful feelings.  Sometimes they are justified because someone has crossed you. But sometimes they are driven not by an event but by other feelings – like embarrassment, defensiveness, stubbornness, anxiety, etc.  I have experienced all of them at one time or another.  In these cases anger is a defense. A way to avoid what the real emotion might be. But regardless of how or why it landed the one thing I have found is that it is often nearly impossible for me to let go of anger and its cronies. I know I recently wrote these words:

“Try not to be irritable or angry and if you are don’t let it define you. It’s such a waste of time and energy”.

And it’s true.  Despite me knowing this, I can spend far too much time being angry and irritated.  I know, with my ‘smart head’ that the right and proper thing to do is to acknowledge it and get over it.  But emotions usually don’t listen to my ‘smart head’.

To be sure anger is sometimes swift. Flying in after a confrontation and then sweeping out after your minute is up.  But it can also build up over time and become so overwhelming that it just can’t be shaken.  These are the times when I begin to think, “Huh.  There seems to be yet another Karen rising to the surface and sitting at the table and I’m not so sure I know how to deal with this one”.  

She is – yes, you guessed it – angry Karen.  Karen10. She is different from Karen5, the bitch, who we have discussed before.  You can read about her here:  Karen5. 

Side note:  Don’t for a minute think that I’m talking about the now infamous “KAREN”.  God am I sick of that comparison.  Who ever thought it was Ok to label a person as a bitch on wheels with my name.  Seriously.  Every damn person I know, man or woman, child or adult, can be an intolerable, impatient demander of attention and unreasonable requests.  So enough with the KAREN label already.

Anyway, the newest Karen at the kitchen table can’t seem to shake certain disappointments and frustrations that have been compounding over time.  And it’s making her angry.   This anger results from expectations or hopes that existed, were fueled into motion but didn’t actually land. 

Sometimes those expectations are supported and reasonable. Sometimes unrealistic and faulty. But those things really don’t matter. The resulting disappointment and anger don’t listen to the why. They just are until they aren’t. That’s the crux of emotion. It tends not to listen to reason. It just is.

Sitting in anger’s sidecar is irritation. I know that the irritation is twofold. It is directed at whatever fueled the anger but it is also partly irritation pointed at me. I like to believe that I am smarter than my emotions but in this case forget it. The irritation is stuck. Stuck to the anger and stuck to me. And the most crazy thing is that I KNOW when it rises. I can feel it coming and just CANNOT stop it. Again, my ‘smart head’ says: ” for God’s sake Karen LET. IT. GO. No good comes from this. No resolution. No revenge (which is patently unfair anyway). No forward movement. As much as I KNOW this is happening and I can hear the muffled words of my ‘smart head’ I just can’t stop it. WTF is that about ‘smart head’? Why are you so goddamn weak in that moment?

And this combo is loud. So loud that is drowns everything else out. This ignites Karen3, the runner. She takes off at max speed to escape the noise and the emotion. Thinking all the while that if she runs away it will drift off and she will never have to feel or think about it again. Usually not a good idea because drifting off will always drift back in. You can’t outrun emotion – particularly anger and disappointment. They will always show back up when the circumstances reoccur – which they will. Funny thing about behavior. We tend to repeat it.

Or maybe I actually have considered the consequences and figure: “Outcome be damned.  Let’s go and see what happens.”  And if that is the motivation then I’m OK.  Accept the consequence of your decisions and figure out what happens next.  Then do it.  Thank you ‘smart head’.

So easy to say.  Not so easy to do. Particularly when it hasn’t turned out as you had hoped.

And there it is. Hope. Much of this is grounded in the idea that hope certainly does spring eternal.  Hope that this time I’m right.  Or this time the choice is so obvious it has to be the right one.  Or this time things will level out because surely if I do A, B has to be the result.  How can it not?  

But simultaneously that same hope can be deceiving, misleading and cause a life choice that might not turn out as expected.  And some of those choices are not easy to untangle.  The result is Angry Karen.  

So, this is what I see.  Karen10 finds herself not sitting AT the kitchen table but standing ON the kitchen table.  

Karen10 is a tough one to beat. She is stubborn and defensive. And she is bitter. That’s a good word but I’ll come back to that one another time.

And how about forgiveness? Forgiveness of others and of myself. This is not easy for Karen10. Or any Karen for that matter. There are many times when the idea of forgiveness escapes me. Again, another emotion that is slippery and hard to grasp.

As I write this I think about what I am angry about right now. What disappointment or trouble occurred that kicked Karen10 into gear. And I see that my anger is connected to this – I have a breaking point. Maybe we all do. Some limit to how much disappointment, loss, fear, whatever – I can take. The real issue is what happens when that point is reached. Running is a temporary option so that one is off the table. Sorry Karen3.

It is hard and so frustrating to figure out how to move beyond the anger and where to go from there. I think because all of the options involve risk. Risk of ending up right back where you started. Risk of more unwanted emotion. Risk of loss. Risk of turning the absolute wrong way and then feeling regret. Risk of listening to the wrong person. Risk of doing nothing and just staying angry and disappointed – which as we know is a waste of energy and valuable time.

Ah yes, the all consuming notion of time. How fast it goes and how much is left. The temptation to act fast before it’s too late, one way or the other, can be strong. But I do know that fast action is probably not going to end well. Best to sit with situation or temptation for at least a while.

And then there is bitterness. Bitterness because I should have known better. Others involved should have known better. This is such an ugly, acidic emotion. I think it can literally change how you look. Hard, frozen, mean, unavailable. You know, kind of like the resting bitch face but worse. I think bitterness seeps out through your pours and creates a cement mask. It is UGLY. And it is tough to crack.

So there you have it. Karen10. Angry, sad, disappointed, stubborn, unforgiving, irritated, bitter. All ugly. All tough to release.

And all of this to say that I am reluctantly welcoming a new Karen to the table. I kind of like – maybe even love – all of the Karens. After all they are all part of me and have led me to here and now, which is not such a bad place to be. But this one? This one is different. She is one that I want to tame. Not push down and ignore but somehow mellow out. For the first time I am pondering the idea that maybe all of the Karens together might somehow be able to get her off the table and take a seat. I don’t mean change her – that’s impossible. She is definitely here to stay. But maybe it’s a matter of another Karen stepping in front of her. Sounding the alarm to say that her time is up for this one. That a different Karen, or maybe more than one, is going to take over from here.

I guess we’ll see.