Tag: letting go

  • Peace. A message to me.

    Peace. A message to me.

    Peace is such a sweet word. It is spelled with soft, light letters. It sounds sweet and kind when spoken and it resonates in a way that sparks light and calmness.

    So why is it so hard to find.

    I hear so many – SO MANY – people: therapists, inspirational and motivational speakers, intuitives, mediums, coaches, people of all walks of life talk about the importance of peace. Of course we hear it on a larger level, especially these days, but more importantly there is the notion of finding inner peace.

    Again. why is that so hard to find.

    I think this:

    Peace is elusive. It is sneaky. It is often in disguise. And it looks and feels different to everyone.

    We – and I am speaking about me and the other Karens at my kitchen table – have a common thread that runs through all of us, as different as we are. We have tried to find peace in all the wrong places. Right now I picture all of the Karens around the table and they are frantically nodding their heads in agreement and high-fiving each other. The speech bubbles above their heads say something like this:

    “Thank God, she finally sees it.”

    “I wondered how long we’d have to wait.”

    “Jesus it’s exhausting waiting for her to get something. . . . “

    The thing I am finally getting is that I have been lost when looking for peace. I have expected that peace would come from people, from things, from spaces, from jobs, from money, from being thinner, from being prettier. You name it.

    I have whined ad nauseam to anyone who will listen that all I want is some peace. To feel whole and at rest. To feel free from worry and anxiety, anger and hurt. To just ‘be’.

    The problem is that what I have been doing is trying to find peace in my person – completely outside of my person. What I have NOT done is taken this whiny wish and accepted responsibility for finding it in my self. My ability to be at peace in the world has been entirely dependent on someone or something else. Anyone or anything other than me. I don’t necessarily mean a lover or a spouse. But most definitely someone or something other than me. I have been looking for my own peace on the outside.

    I guess I could say that this stems from the age old woman’s role model – Cinderella (or Aurora, or Snow White or – pick one – they all run from the same script). After all she certainly did not have peace while working her ass off for her horrid stepmother and sisters.

    But boy, bring in the Prince and all the flowers bloom, stars shine, birds sing and peace reigns down on her.


    Make no mistake I loved those stories. I wanted to hear them over and over again. After all they are our first ever love stories. But they certainly set us up for failure. Not many of us find a prince or princess who will ride in on a stallion, take us to their castle – with its gigantic closet – and save us. Bringing peace to us and all the land.

    As misleading as all that is, using those lovely fairy tales as an excuse for my lack of finding a peaceful existence is just that. An excuse.

    Lately, as I ponder the elusiveness of peace, I have redirected my focus inward. This is not an easy transition for me. I am far more likely to feel like I have to DO something or FIND something and finally peace will be mine. Well, I have certainly done and found a lot of things in my life. And none of it has really brought the kind of peace I am talking about.

    I am also realizing that peace is not a romantic concept. For some reason in my mind romance and peace go hand in hand. Thanks Cinderella. I appreciate the sweetness of the story but I think you are wrong. I also do not think that happiness and peace go hand in hand. In fact, I believe that even in moments of unhappiness, you can be at peace.

    So where is it and how can I have some.

    I think the probability of finding peace is all about personal acceptance. Acceptance of who we are, where we are, what we have, what we don’t have, who we are with, who we are not with . . . just acceptance of all of it. The good and the not so good together have to be enough.

    Peace is not about expectations. In fact, I think peace is more about not having expectations and instead is about feeling satisfied in the moment. Feeling grateful in the moment. It is a letting down of wanting – of needing more.

    I also think that peace is something that is perhaps momentary. It is probably a lot to ask of yourself to be at peace 100% of the time. But in certain moments I think it has to be possible if, and this is a big if, you will let it in.

    And by the way these concepts are completely ours to own. Ours alone. And that is maybe the crux of it – the magic word – Alone.

    Finding peace is most certainly tied tightly to the ability to be alone. I mean really be alone. With yourself. I don’t mean alone for an hour or a day or even a week. I also don’t necessarily mean living alone. What I mean is the aloneness that arises from being still. Being able to sit with yourself in a space that only you occupy. Space that is more than physical. More like head space. Maybe even spiritual space. Definitely quiet space. Maybe that is actually the magic word – Quiet. Quiet is something I have never been able to do – at least not without struggle.

    As soon as I find myself in the quiet, even for a few minutes, I must immediately get up and do something. Put music or TV on. Do the dishes, groceries, laundry, anything. Or maybe I decide it must be time for a nap.

    I simply cannot just sit with myself in the quiet. And just be. Without judgment or second guessing or criticism or self deprecation. Or expectations and want.

    It’s not as if I don’t like myself. I do. Most of the time anyway. But sitting with me in the quiet causes me to be antsy. Fidgety. I am immediately in dire need of a distraction. My mind starts its spinning game. How many things can I think or worry about all at the same time, running around in circles. One stopping for extra time then being pushed out of the way by another who wants center stage. It’s exhausting.

    I so envy people who sit alone – anywhere – and look completely at ease. What a concept. Being at ease with just . . . you. I have to believe that there is peace in that space. At least I hope so.

    None of this comes naturally to me. And I know that it stems from fear and anxiety. The anxiety that comes from having to hear my own thoughts. Not just hear them but listen to them. Really listen to my mind and my heart – all of it. The easy pleasant things and the dark not so fun to acknowledge things. That is of course why the spinning game was born. It leaves no time for consideration or introspection. It’s like Karen 3, the runner. She is so good at this. She knows that if you keep moving you eventually are far too tired to think, to worry, to fear. But in that exhaustion there is no peace. So running doesn’t do it. It does some things but bringing peace – not so much.

    Because after all if you hard stop and really listen to the quiet in your mind and your heart you might not like what they tell you. Better to keep spinning or running until you land on a better thought.

    So how then can one be still and find peace. I think it’s a practice and takes a conscious effort to shut out all the voices. To stop spinning – stop running – sit alone in the quiet.

    I am sure that I will have to force myself to be and stay in the quiet. And I am sure that it will not be easy to do. But I see that all the other attempts at finding peace have failed. So for peace to land safely in my lap I guess I’d better stop moving. At least sometimes.

    Let’s be Still.

     

  • Beware: Meet Karen 10

    Beware: Meet Karen 10

    Anger, irritation, annoyance. They are such powerful feelings.  Sometimes they are justified because someone has crossed you. But sometimes they are driven not by an event but by other feelings – like embarrassment, defensiveness, stubbornness, anxiety, etc.  I have experienced all of them at one time or another.  In these cases anger is a defense. A way to avoid what the real emotion might be. But regardless of how or why it landed the one thing I have found is that it is often nearly impossible for me to let go of anger and its cronies. I know I recently wrote these words:

    “Try not to be irritable or angry and if you are don’t let it define you. It’s such a waste of time and energy”.

    And it’s true.  Despite me knowing this, I can spend far too much time being angry and irritated.  I know, with my ‘smart head’ that the right and proper thing to do is to acknowledge it and get over it.  But emotions usually don’t listen to my ‘smart head’.

    To be sure anger is sometimes swift. Flying in after a confrontation and then sweeping out after your minute is up.  But it can also build up over time and become so overwhelming that it just can’t be shaken.  These are the times when I begin to think, “Huh.  There seems to be yet another Karen rising to the surface and sitting at the table and I’m not so sure I know how to deal with this one”.  

    She is – yes, you guessed it – angry Karen.  Karen10. She is different from Karen5, the bitch, who we have discussed before.  You can read about her here:  Karen5. 

    Side note:  Don’t for a minute think that I’m talking about the now infamous “KAREN”.  God am I sick of that comparison.  Who ever thought it was Ok to label a person as a bitch on wheels with my name.  Seriously.  Every damn person I know, man or woman, child or adult, can be an intolerable, impatient demander of attention and unreasonable requests.  So enough with the KAREN label already.

    Anyway, the newest Karen at the kitchen table can’t seem to shake certain disappointments and frustrations that have been compounding over time.  And it’s making her angry.   This anger results from expectations or hopes that existed, were fueled into motion but didn’t actually land. 

    Sometimes those expectations are supported and reasonable. Sometimes unrealistic and faulty. But those things really don’t matter. The resulting disappointment and anger don’t listen to the why. They just are until they aren’t. That’s the crux of emotion. It tends not to listen to reason. It just is.

    Sitting in anger’s sidecar is irritation. I know that the irritation is twofold. It is directed at whatever fueled the anger but it is also partly irritation pointed at me. I like to believe that I am smarter than my emotions but in this case forget it. The irritation is stuck. Stuck to the anger and stuck to me. And the most crazy thing is that I KNOW when it rises. I can feel it coming and just CANNOT stop it. Again, my ‘smart head’ says: ” for God’s sake Karen LET. IT. GO. No good comes from this. No resolution. No revenge (which is patently unfair anyway). No forward movement. As much as I KNOW this is happening and I can hear the muffled words of my ‘smart head’ I just can’t stop it. WTF is that about ‘smart head’? Why are you so goddamn weak in that moment?

    And this combo is loud. So loud that is drowns everything else out. This ignites Karen3, the runner. She takes off at max speed to escape the noise and the emotion. Thinking all the while that if she runs away it will drift off and she will never have to feel or think about it again. Usually not a good idea because drifting off will always drift back in. You can’t outrun emotion – particularly anger and disappointment. They will always show back up when the circumstances reoccur – which they will. Funny thing about behavior. We tend to repeat it.

    Speaking of repeat behavior – so often I have plowed forward into things and people without really considering the consequences.  You know, the right thing would be to think first act later. Like THAT will EVER happen.

    Or maybe I actually have considered the consequences and figure: “Outcome be damned.  Let’s go and see what happens.”  And if that is the motivation then I’m OK.  Accept the consequence of your decisions and figure out what happens next.  Then do it.  Thank you ‘smart head’.

    So easy to say.  Not so easy to do. Particularly when it hasn’t turned out as you had hoped.

    And there it is. Hope. Much of this is grounded in the idea that hope certainly does spring eternal.  Hope that this time I’m right.  Or this time the choice is so obvious it has to be the right one.  Or this time things will level out because surely if I do A, B has to be the result.  How can it not?  

    But simultaneously that same hope can be deceiving, misleading and cause a life choice that might not turn out as expected.  And some of those choices are not easy to untangle.  The result is Angry Karen.  

    So, this is what I see.  Karen10 finds herself not sitting AT the kitchen table but standing ON the kitchen table.  

    She is stomping around it and demanding that all of the others help her.  She points fingers at each one, except maybe Karen1, the little one.  After all none of this is HER fault. But the others? They are targets. I can hear Karen10 right now between stomps.  “We are all in this together so which one of you bitches is going to fix this shit this time.”  I also see all of them either watching her with amusement, rolling their eyes or trying to push her off the table. Anyone who knows me knows that eye rolling is one of my super powers so I’m pretty good at that one. All of the Karens have that special treat to serve anyone watching.

    Karen10 is a tough one to beat. She is stubborn and defensive. And she is bitter. That’s a good word but I’ll come back to that one another time.

    And how about forgiveness? Forgiveness of others and of myself. This is not easy for Karen10. Or any Karen for that matter. There are many times when the idea of forgiveness escapes me. Again, another emotion that is slippery and hard to grasp.

    As I write this I think about what I am angry about right now. What disappointment or trouble occurred that kicked Karen10 into gear. And I see that my anger is connected to this – I have a breaking point. Maybe we all do. Some limit to how much disappointment, loss, fear, whatever – I can take. The real issue is what happens when that point is reached. Running is a temporary option so that one is off the table. Sorry Karen3.

    It is hard and so frustrating to figure out how to move beyond the anger and where to go from there. I think because all of the options involve risk. Risk of ending up right back where you started. Risk of more unwanted emotion. Risk of loss. Risk of turning the absolute wrong way and then feeling regret. Risk of listening to the wrong person. Risk of doing nothing and just staying angry and disappointed – which as we know is a waste of energy and valuable time.

    Ah yes, the all consuming notion of time. How fast it goes and how much is left. The temptation to act fast before it’s too late, one way or the other, can be strong. But I do know that fast action is probably not going to end well. Best to sit with situation or temptation for at least a while.

    And then there is bitterness. Bitterness because I should have known better. Others involved should have known better. This is such an ugly, acidic emotion. I think it can literally change how you look. Hard, frozen, mean, unavailable. You know, kind of like the resting bitch face but worse. I think bitterness seeps out through your pours and creates a cement mask. It is UGLY. And it is tough to crack.

    So there you have it. Karen10. Angry, sad, disappointed, stubborn, unforgiving, irritated, bitter. All ugly. All tough to release.

    And all of this to say that I am reluctantly welcoming a new Karen to the table. I kind of like – maybe even love – all of the Karens. After all they are all part of me and have led me to here and now, which is not such a bad place to be. But this one? This one is different. She is one that I want to tame. Not push down and ignore but somehow mellow out. For the first time I am pondering the idea that maybe all of the Karens together might somehow be able to get her off the table and take a seat. I don’t mean change her – that’s impossible. She is definitely here to stay. But maybe it’s a matter of another Karen stepping in front of her. Sounding the alarm to say that her time is up for this one. That a different Karen, or maybe more than one, is going to take over from here.

    I guess we’ll see.

  • Options . . . .

    Guilt.  “Guilt is optional”, once said my very best friend after I had initiated a particularly unexpected breakup.  Unexpected for the boyfriend anyway.  Given the situation at the time, I felt bad for a while and then moved on leaving my guilt on the floor with the knowledge that my actions had not been completely unexpected and were necessary – for both of us.   Ever since, I have proudly spouted this same edict many times to anyone who needed to hear it.  Most people just nod and thank me for giving them permission to let it go.  

    Now, after floundering around for a long time feeling unbalanced and restless, I find myself thinking a lot about the concept of guilt being optional. Actually, the thought dropped in on me one day when I heard my friend’s beautiful voice in my head loud and clear say, “Oh for God’s sake Karen, why can’t you remember –  “Guilt is optional. OPTIONAL. Let it gooooooo.”  

    The thing is, the uneasiness that has been nipping at my heels follows what was supposed to be a very liberating life change. All I can really think about is:

    “Wtf? Why, after all this seemingly forward movement, am I suddenly stuck in a pile of goo, slogging around getting more restless by the day?”

    So once the idea fell on my head, something inside me cracked just a little, letting in a bit of light and I understood that all this unease might be a product of guilt, pure and simple.  I realized that before I could rinse the goo off and start walking, I needed to figure out exactly what to do with it because it clearly isn’t feeling very optional.

    For starters, I’m not sure I ever really bought into the idea that guilt is actually an optional emotion.  I think it is likely circumstantial and also individual.  Some people have no ability to feel guilt or remorse.  Those people scare me because some things should make you feel guilt.  Most of us, though, feel guilty at one time or another for random actions that cause another person pain.  And when that happens how do we justify it?  How do we live knowing that we really caused pain to someone – maybe more than one someone?  

    The question is even more complicated if the pain was a result of “good”intentions and out of the need to live your “best life”.

    Live your best life . .

    “Oh no not THAT BS again.”

    What if you are compelled to do something that changes the lives of others forever, in order to save yourself.  I know that sounds a bit dramatic.  By “saving yourself” I simply mean action motivated by the knowledge that you can’t keep up the fight anymore – something has to change or you will surely lose your shit.  

    For me, the change was monumental in the moment, but not horrendous or even unusual.  Nonetheless, it caused hurt to the people that I love most in the world.  I knew that this would be the case at the time.  It wasn’t something I had done on a whim.  Quite the opposite.  It was something I had considered for many years.  The idea thrown in and out, over and over again until I knew that I really didn’t have a choice if I wanted to be a little more joyful, live a little lighter and, generally, be a better person.  So, forward I marched.  And now I find myself – all of us – on the other side, having adjusted for the most part, I think.  And me in a pool of emotion still losing some measure of my shit.

    And here is where that lovely loud voice chimed in, tapping her finger on my forehead until I identified the goo as guilt.  And if I’m honest with myself there is some measure of regret thrown into the mix.  But that I will leave for another day.  So, this “guilt is optional” thing has taken a front row seat in my mind.  It is human nature to search for the one thread that is within reach in order to create order out of chaos.  “Guilt is optional” was my thread.  So I yanked it out and started trying to figure out what to do with it.  

    I have concluded that the term “optional” is a relative one.  Extremely relative, in an ‘optional’ sort of way.  Maybe a determination of whether you can choose guilt or not goes something like this.  Yes, you feel guilt for overturning the apple cart and upsetting the “normal” dynamic but were your reasons for doing so honest and valid?  Is anyone better off?    If the answer is yes, then maybe you can choose Option A – let the guilt go. For me, as usual, the answer is not that easy, and I continue to endlessly pick at the scab . . . 


    And just to bring the point home, I find myself crying a lot these days.  Actually, blubbering when alone in the car is a more accurate discription.  This is very unusual because I am most certainly NOT a crier.  Or I wasn’t.  And it’s ugly crying I’m talking about. The occurrence of these random explosive moments while standing in the goo, are what have caused me to consider the guilt “option” in the first place.  I figure they are so atypical that there must be a reason for them.  

    So I consider all the things. Would I have been “ok” without the shift?  Yes, of course I would have been OK.  And maybe that should have been enough.  Maybe I should have tried harder to be “more OK”.  Maybe OK is really all we should ever really expect.  How much does my OK weigh when balanced with everyone’s else’s OK?  How permanent is the upset?  Is anyone besides you – or EVEN you – better off?  These are all questions that have different answers on different days – sometimes minutes.  And, honestly, it is likely that I will never have a firm answer for any of them and, if so, does that mean that my optional guilt will just keep following me around – sometimes letting it go and sometimes not?

    I do realize that other factors probably enter the equation here.  Like the absolutely crazy passage of time at lightning speed, children growing up and leaving home, job uncertainty, money or the lack of it, a pandemic, a seriously frightening threat to our democracy, and the list goes on.  But when push comes to shove it has boiled down to self-doubt about my choices and the impact of them.   I’m not sure the self-doubt is optional once it lands in your head and heart.  And until that is resolved the residue of guilt may also not be optional.

    One thing I DO know is that once certain decisions are made, actions taken, lives impacted, change launched – there is no going back. No matter the guilt, the remorse, the goo. We don’t get to reverse course on certain choices. It simply isn’t fair and not a privilege we can assume. So, maybe that is where the “option” to feel guilt or not is relevant. Maybe that is where you say, OK. what is done was done – with good intentions and without malice or any evil doing. It may not have been a perfect choice – for me or anyone – but it was a choice and with it comes a consequence. So, accept it for all that it is and is not – and move forward – letting any guilt go.

    Maybe.