Tag: personal-growth

  • What we think is missing from inside most of us – a lesson in leadership

    What we think is missing from inside most of us – a lesson in leadership

    I have been reading an extraordinary new book about 9/11, “Proud to Serve”, by Colonel Shawn P. Walsh, US Army Retired. Its focus is of course the experience of the writer but also the lesson he found in tragedy.  A lesson in leadership and how it evolves.  

    Side note:  I find it incredibly coincidental that I am reading this book at the same time I have become  involved with an organization- @Speak Boldly – that largely promotes a strikingly similar approach to leadership, courage and the release of inner strength, through storytelling.

    Within Colonel Walsh’s narrative of the events of that horrific day, the question he explores is this:  how and why does someone become a leader.  There are so many theories about this.

    • Are you born with the instinct to lead?  
    • Is  being a leader something certain people assume they have – an expectation based on how they are treated or perceived by others? 
    • Are you groomed to be a leader?
    • Does it somehow emerge in a moment whether you want it to and are ready – or not?
    • Is it a natural progression because of your upbringing and education?

    There is so much more to his story but with just this single question – how do leaders become leaders – considered against the backdrop of the 9/11 tragedy – he comes to a conclusion that I find to be most likely.

    Of course all of these theories are possible. But I think the most important and impactful leaders are unexpected and probably unprepared. I think that the leaders who make the biggest difference are those ordinary people who in a moment rise up and profoundly affect others. After reading this book and actually watching this happen I am more and more convinced of this.

    And naturally I am inclined to think about it within the context of my kitchen table and who sits there. Could there be a leader somewhere in the mix.  My response is “certainly not”.  But what I have begun to understand from this book and my experience with Speak Boldly, is that leadership takes many forms.  It is not one size fits all. And it often happens when least expected and maybe unwanted – but necessary.  And most importantly it can rise in the most unexpected of people. 

    Leadership can be quiet or even silent.  I am realizing that it can stand unseen and tacitly in the background – but it is nonetheless powerful.  It can exist without attention or request.  And most importantly for me it exudes an unseen and inaudible impression that can fill a room.  

    It is often the silent look of someone that makes you immediately feel safe, protected and you know with certainty that this is the person to watch and hear.  That this the person to follow, mirror, and attend to.  

    As I write this I wonder how many of us believe that leadership shows up this way rather than being chosen or groomed.  I imagine not many.

    I think that our idea of who becomes a leader in any circumstance, is often a product of expectation, the expectation of those around them. Those who look up to someone because they are well known, athletic, intellectual, highly educated, wealthy, you name it. These are things that our society values and therefore are considered to be traits of a leader. But that is a very flawed perspective.

    As Proud to Serve emphasizes, and I think Speak Boldly promotes, true trustworthy leadership may not be a personality trait at all – innate or learned.  Maybe it is instead something demanded of us in moments here and there. I think I probably fall in that space.  I don’t believe I am a leader.  But I do now believe that when necessary or desired one of the Karens, maybe yet another a new one, will grab a seat at the head of the table.  Maybe she comes and goes.  Maybe she is a leader to only to certain people.  Maybe she is becoming a leader to herself.

    Less and less I think being a leader is a constant projection of authority.  But instead, and maybe this is the most authentic of all leadership, it rises and provides what is necessary to an otherwise confusing, unstable and maybe volatile situation and then falls to the background.  Nonetheless remaining a stable but unassuming force.

    I see now that the aura of the one projecting leadership remains constant, long after they are absent. Even as the circumstances seem under control or settled. Even as the crisis demanding leadership has faded.

    Although this book is written from a military perspective and experience, and I will be the first to admit that I am as far outside of that world as is possible, it provides insight and a lesson we all should learn.

    Again, I am amazed that this book has come at the same time that Speak Boldly entered my life.  Its mission quietly encourages and reinforces this same very different idea of what leadership means and how it evolves.  

    I am still reading Colonel Walsh’s words and highly recommend it @proudtoserve.  I am sure I have a lot more to take from it.  But in this moment – at this place in history – there may be little that is more important than this:

    “Leadership done right rarely announces itself” (Proud to Serve, Col. Walsh)

    And that is probably the most significant takeaway for me. So far.

    How many of us have stopped in our tracks, spun around and thought “Wow, I want to make sure I’m with them when shit goes down”. And it’s not only the giant frightening situations. It’s the little every day moments that build this. That make us feel safe and secure in our world.

    What an unexpected and rare thing it is to understand that it is actually not the loud, extremely visible, wealthy person next door but instead is the one who will quietly step to the front and shield us from all that seems wrong.

    You can get Colonel Walsh’s book here: Proud to Serve.

  • Ramblings about ‘Confidence and Courage’

    Someone recently used these 2 words together in an environment that is, for me, very peaceful and thought provoking. When they were said I immediately imagined 2 glowing balls of light – a little magical in the way they shimmered and shined almost like rays of sunshine. They represented courage and confidence, two characteristics with which I have a love hate relationship.

    Confidence.

    That is something that just doesn’t come naturally to me. Self doubt invades almost every facet of my life. But mostly with respect to my brain. Do I even have one? Sometimes my incessant struggle with decision-making reinforces the lack of any gray matter in my skull. In fact my ability to ever make a decision at all is sketchy. The “what ifs” cloud any chance of telling myself “OK THIS is what you need to do”.

    This can also be called being an over-thinker, which I most definitely am – about almost everything. I can stew and stew forever, never really getting anywhere. On the one hand, over-thinking can be positive. The consideration of all pros and cons of a decision is often necessary, especially when the decision involves other people or major life events. On the other hand, over-thinking is, I now know, a method of stalling the making of a decision. It goes something like this. “Hmmmmmm. If I do ‘A’ this might happen and how joyful would that be. But if I do ‘B’, the joy might be even greater despite the difficulty that doing ‘B’ will no doubt involve. What if I just do nothing and stay the course? That might be ok too”. This goes on and on and on. If I had a greater measure of confidence in myself and my judgment the inner argument might be extinguished or at least be a bit more brief.

    Oddly, at the same time with certain things I can be a jumper. Like when it comes to having pretty things. I have little resistance when it comes to that and tend to leap right in – this is NOT a good trait for someone whose main concern at this point is to avoid aging in a tent on the side of a highway with a shopping cart named Karen. It is, I know, also another way to have immediate gratification and fill some void that I am otherwise ignoring. But that’s another topic altogether.

    Having confidence in myself – both personally and professionally – is something I long for. And it’s not as if I have a solid reason for my lack of it. I’m sure it has something to do with my childhood – doesn’t everything? Particularly the day I graduated from law school and my Dad, God bless him, said “Don’t you worry Rose (his nickname for me), you’ll always be able to have a job because you are such a good typist”. Seriously Dad what were you thinking as I stood with my law degree hot off the press? Probably you were just giving me a bit of faith that I would always be OK. Still it really didn’t do much to bolster confidence in my new hard earned profession.

    But at this point who cares about the why of it. What I do care about is getting over it.

    Hand in hand with having confidence – or not having it – is the discomfort in accepting a compliment. Every time someone says something to flatter me I squirm and shake my head denying any truth in their words. It is impossible to accept a compliment of any sort. Not that they come often but whenever someone shoots one at me I bob and weave like Lucille Ball who wore a frying pan to avoid being a standing target.

    I have never really been sure about why this too is so hard for me. Except of course for the #1 ball and chain I drag around with me – the “imposter syndrome”. I still think there is another Karen Butz who passed the bar and that it surely wasn’t me. I guess since I’ve been practicing for over 30 years and no one else has shown up to claim my Bar number, I should give this one up.

    I am definitely more confident than I probably have ever been but there remains the deep sense that – surely I can’t be right about this or that. Who do I think I am to be right about anything? And to be honest I’m fucking sick of it. It annoys me and pisses me off each time I doubt myself. Maybe that’s the beginning of letting it go. That glowing ball of light that embodies confidence seems bigger now but still just out of reach.

    Courage

    And so now on to courage – the other glowing ball of light. This one is big but really just an extension of confidence. Because if you have confidence in yourself and your choices, then stepping into a change that will make them reality should be a no brainer. But for me, the “what if I’m wrong” mantra usually causes suspended action. I freeze in time and space. Sometimes for so long that it’s easier to just kick the decision to the curb and stay the course. Courage goes out the window. I grab the hand of the cowardly lion and we just skip along, around and around the circular yellow brick road we go.

    Making change of any kind takes courage. I’ve made a lot of changes over the course of my life so I guess you could say that I have some modicum of courage. But for really deep set reasons having the courage to make big changes often escapes me. A consideration of all outcomes – and there’s the over-thinker again – tends to delay change, which again can often be positive. Some things should not be rushed. But at some point – as I tend to say more and more these days – there is no more time to waste and courage has to take the lead.

    Or I guess you could say it’s time to have the courage to take a leap of faith. And maybe that’s the crux of it. Having enough faith, or dare I say confidence, in your choices to jump in. To stop asking is this the right thing to do? What if it’s not? What if a, b, c or d happen and the result sucks? Well my answer more and more is “so what”. Maybe it will suck. And you’ll deal with it in the best way you can. That’s all any of us can really do isn’t it?

    So what’s the end game here? I’m not sure there is one. But I think that lack of confidence and the courage to move can easily lead to regret. There is one thing I am certain about and that is this: regret is something I don’t ever want to have. I can think of little worse than reaching the end of life and wishing I had made those moves that always seemed too scary or challenging.

    Funny that I use the word “move” since free physical movement is one of the things I struggle with. And I do know that Karen 1 is the root of that. After all she couldn’t move for far too long. If you haven’t yet met Karen 1, you can read a little bit about her here: Karen 1.

    Maybe it’s all connected. Actually there is no maybe about it. Confidence encourages moving freely from the inside out (see how I did that?). And there it is. For now.