I have what is frequently called a perfect “resting bitch face”.  I’m not sure when I first developed this but I think I was pretty young – possibly when I was in my early 20’s working in NYC.  I remember being apprehensive about walking the 11 blocks from the bus station to my office.  I think it was then that I decided that it would make sense to look unfriendly and pissed off as I walked to work so no one would approach me.  Surely no one will mug you when you have your RBF on.  Since then I have perfected this “look”.  So much so that I don’t even know that I’m doing it anymore.  In fact, my husband has said to me “why do you look so mad when you’re running.  I thought you enjoyed it.”  My response is always that I’m not mad.  In fact, I’m super happy and relaxed, almost meditating while on a run.   So, I guess that my RBF is now my natural game face in all circumstances.

I think a lot of people, primarily women, have developed this look.  Take a look around you as you walk down the street.  Look at any magazine photo of a celebrity.  Check out someone eating alone in a restaurant.  It’s amazing how common it is.  You could almost call it a remedy for discomfort.  You know the idea – “never let them see you sweat”.   I think an understanding of what this is all about might help observers to feel less offended when faced with……the face.  So, here are some reasons I suspect that the RBF is so common these days.

If you’re like me you might want to scare people away and looking like a mean bitch is most certainly one way to insure that you will not be approached.  Think about it.  Who wants to engage with someone who looks like they will turn and give you the finger in response to a simple hello.  This could be the number one way to avoid making friends.   Don’t you already have plenty of friends?  Who needs more?  I have unknowingly used this look and have had that result many times.  Fortunately for me, one friend was able to look beyond my RBF and try again, ultimately creating one of the best relationships I have in my life.

A couple of days before I started law school a list of class schedules was posted in the “mail hallway”.  We didn’t have a mail room, just a hanging rack of pendaflex files – one for each student.  This became a convenient stopping and meeting place for us.  Eager to find out what my classes were, I showed up in the hallway to check the list.  Another student, let’s call her Mary, was also checking the list.  Mary tried hard to catch my eye, to strike up a conversation, to ease our growing anxiety at starting law school with a funny remark.  I was having none of it.  I held my RBF ground, smirked and ignored her every attempt at kindness.  I made quick work of writing down my schedule and took off for home.  I kept this up for a few months.  As I write this now, I completely understand that my reason for instituting the RBF was fright.  I was certain that they had admitted me to law school by mistake.  There was another person with my name and who was much more qualified than me who had been jilted.  (To this day I sometimes still believe this.  But that’s another essay.)  I was frightened that administrators would soon find out and send me packing.  Not wanting to show anyone this fear, I stood tall, acted smug and proudly wore my RBF so no one would find out that I was really a fraud.   Using that face is most assuredly a defense mechanism and a cover for fear.  Luckily for me, Mary did not scare easily and became one of my very best lifetime friends.  We laugh about it now but it does make me wonder how many other friends I might have made had I chosen to smile instead.

It is also true that once you begin using the RBF to chase away smilers, you start to think that a random smile means that the person must have a sketchy ulterior motive.  Otherwise, why would they be grinning at strangers.  Well, maybe they just happen to be happy and a friendly person.  More importantly, they are without a doubt the more confident people.  After all a smile is really a fearless open door.

Of course there is always the chance that someone sporting a RBF might honestly be mad at something – working out a tough situation in their head while walking along.   But I really believe that there is something about the RBF that serves a purpose in and of itself.  It makes you feel powerful.  At least I will admit that it does for me.  There isn’t much that we have control over and warding people off or giving the impression that you don’t need anyone gives you the upper hand.  It allows you to be in charge of who gets your attention.  At least in your own mind.  However it also encourages people who might otherwise be really helpful to you in some way to turn and run.

Maybe another reason for the RBF is insecurity.  I think of this as the “RBF technique” and instead of being instinctual it can be purposeful.  A RBF comes in handy when you are feeling like a loser and need a little boost of confidence.  Let’s say you have had a particularly bad day at work.  It seems like nothing you have done is right.  You are feeling like you are an unnecessary appendage on the letterhead and might as well white-out your name yourself before HR comes calling.   And then you leave work with your flashy RBF and start feeling stronger, like you really didn’t screw up.  You just did what you thought everyone wanted.  Maybe it was just a rough first draft of something.  Maybe you misunderstood what was asked of you.  You start feeling a little more confident and with that comes reason.  The next day you will talk to your boss and colleagues about what happened and why.  Ultimately all will be well and you can thank your RBF for this.  Just hope that you haven’t scared any significant other away in the process.

Although it seems clear that the RBF can have its benefits, from now on I am on a mission to turn my sneer into a smile.   At the very least I’ll get a shot of that happy endorphin scientists swear you produce when you smile.