The single most important priority in my life is my children.  I love them all with such intensity that it seems almost overwhelming sometimes.   But there are certain moments when I have an extraordinary “rush” of emotion for one or another of them.  That has been happening a lot recently with my daughter.  It’s strange but something is changing.  I guess it’s not really so strange when I consider that she is 14 and just beginning high school.   That is sure to bring a host of new emotions – many loving and some not so much…..

The past year has brought many changes to her short life.  Her friends have changed, her figure has changed, even her personality has changed.  She has always been somewhat of a mama’s girl – something that I have always treasured.  I clearly remember the teachers having to peel her off me to get her to go into kindergarten.  We both cried a lot during those mornings.  That separation anxiety hasn’t existed for many years but she has remained a loving, sweet girl – most of the time – and isn’t yet embarrassed to hug me or tell me she loves me in front of her friends.  But something new is appearing.   Instead of asking me to do something for her or take her somewhere she asks me, of all things, for my opinion.  Almost like a friend would.  And she’s thoughtful about it.  If I’m being truthful, it’s pretty shocking in a good way.

Yesterday, my daughter came to me with a giant smile on her face and told me that she had almost finished a new Netflix series and wanted me to watch it from the beginning with her.  Now, this is not really unusual in and of itself since we actually watch a lot of Netflix shows together.  It’s kind of our “thing”.  But the thing that was different about this was that she had already started it and thought that I would like it too.  This required forethought.  She had thought about me while watching it and figured I would enjoy it too.  Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.  But for me this indicated the blossoming of a new side of her.  A side where she experienced something on her own and actually thought about having me join her there.  She WANTED me to experience it with her.  After coming down from the happy mom dance party I was having in my head, I nonchalantly said “why of course, let’s go”.  So, we started this new series together.   As we watched, I noticed that she was eager to have me like it.  I also noticed that she was a bit concerned that I would think it was silly and maybe babyish, which, by the way, I do not.  In fact, I’m now addicted to it too.

What’s so strange about this is that a month ago, she wouldn’t have even wanted me to join her.  Most of the stuff we watch together is instigated by me.  And frankly most of the time, she spends the hour or so on her phone peeking at the TV screen occasionally with sidelong glances.  But this was different.  She seemed proud of having found something that we might both like.  As we were watching, I think I saw her changing before my eyes.  It was similar to this one time I looked at her – about 5 years ago – and immediately saw what she would look like as an adult.  It was so strange.  As if I was watching her morph into a future self.  At that time this was almost immediately wiped out when she then started crying about how much she hated her shoes.  But this time this new version of her held on.

To say that this has impacted me is to put it mildly.  The truth is my daughter is becoming a young woman right before my eyes.  And she is actually sharing it with me.  At least sometimes.  A little bit.  I’m not really sure how I feel about this.  It gets all mixed up with thoughts of her as a baby, her first day of kindergarten and all those first milestones that we want to happen but really don’t….  I have no doubt that she will revert back to not wanting me around.  After all teenagers are nothing if they aren’t inconsistent.  But this little glimpse of her as an adult, an adult that I really enjoy, is worth all the other moments of being pushed away.