What exactly does it mean to be selfish?  This is the question I am struggling with these days.  At a time when it is more important than ever to express kindness and gratitude to others, I sit and ponder whether the vision I am creating for my life is grounded in expressing kindness and love or is just simply selfish.

Is it possible that being selfish can actually be reconciled with kindness and love?  Or do they have to be mutually exclusive?  If you ask a dictionary, the answer is a resounding yes, they are most definitely mutually exclusive.  But I wonder if there is a way to be both.  Maybe there is a softer way to refer to ‘being selfish’.

The Merriam-Webster definition of ‘selfish’ is this,

1:  concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.

2:  arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.  merriam-webster.com, 23 Jan 18

At first read, these definitions seem pretty accurate.  Basically, selfishness resides in the feeling of being concerned only with yourself and doing what pleases you to the exclusion of others.  Simple enough.  I imagine we are all selfish in this way at one time or another – certainly during some stages of life more than others.  I have always believed that youth tends to breed selfishness.  After all, when you are young you believe that nothing can possibly go wrong so why not do as you please.  The horrible things that can happen to people will never happen to you.  As you get older you begin to see that, “oh yes those awful things can happen to anyone so let’s not take unnecessary risks”, and so long as we are even a little bit evolved we begin to think of others.  The impact on others of what we do for ourselves becomes a real consideration.

And that brings me to the other part of the definition of selfish.  “The complete disregard for others” part.  With this in mind, I realize that my real question is this:  is wanting to live your best happy life a selfish act?  Particularly when your actions impact other people.  Or is it tempered in its selfishness because your intent is not evil or harmful but rather is simply to live your truth?  Having the foresight to know that you are about to act mainly in your own self-interest, and to understand the potential impact on those around you, must take away from the characterization of the act as being selfish.  At least a little bit?  And maybe this knowledge allows you to reduce any potential impact on those around you.  And so you are not really being selfish at all.

As I write this I guess I am answering my own question.  Everything we do impacts those around us in one way or another.  Perhaps the key is the word “disregard”.  To act in “disregard” of others.  A consideration of those around you may lighten the selfish load a bit.

Then again maybe being selfish isn’t bad at all.  Maybe thinking of yourself first is how we are meant to live.  Maybe acting in your own best interest can actually benefit the people around you so long as they are not disregarded.  Maybe living an authentic life is the best example anyone can give to those around them.

I guess at the end of the day I just can’t buy into the idea that making a conscious choice to be happy is really a selfish act.  Even when other people are impacted, so long as you act in a way that respects and minimizes that impact.  Isn’t the point of life to be happy?  To live truthfully?  I suppose the other side of this is the question of whether it is better to live an inauthentic life for the sake of others.  This would certainly be seen as selfless but is it better?  More acceptable?  Less offensive?  These notions certainly do cause a lot of angst.  It’s no wonder life decisions can be so excruciating.