I’m scared. And I know that I have to just sit with it. Feel it. Be in it. My being scared is justified. What I am doing now is scary. I’m making a huge life change that has been looming over me for a long time. I don’t doubt that it’s the right thing to do but it alters everything. And not just for me but for those who I love the most.

I’ve struggled with it for a long time. Whether my need to move into another part of my life is just pure selfishness at its core. Or whether I am – as I believe on most days – just trying to live my life in the most authentic way I can.

Authentic is such a “hipster” word these days and some people scoff when I use it to refer to myself.  I almost hate to use it. But it is the perfect description of what I feel I have lost sight of. Make no mistake, I have loved my life – all of it – and wouldn’t change a thing. I regret nothing I’ve ever done because I truly believe that it was all necessary for me to be where I am today. All of my actions – and some of them have not been great or something I should be particularly proud of – were taken with the best of intentions and with the belief that they were exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment.  And now I am certain it is time to move into another space.

Nonetheless, I am scared. I sit at my friend’s house as I take care of her pets while she’s away and try to feel what it’ll be like when it is my turn to be alone. It doesn’t seem too desolate right now. But I clearly see how it might be.

It will be quiet. It will be light at times. But it will also be dark. There will not be much movement. There will not be many dishes or much laundry to do. I will not be watching silly cartoons. I might listen to more music. I will write more. I will feel more – both good feelings and some not so much.

In this particular moment, it seems like it will be ok. I will be ok. I will be more myself during the alone times.  And I am hopeful that that will carry over to the rest of the time.

I haven’t lived alone for about 21 years. But I remember it well. I remember being lonely when all my friends were busy with spouses and family. Now I revisit this and know that I am a different person than I was then. I am more capable. More likely to reach out to people. More apt to do things alone. Hopefully a stronger person. One who can be alone with herself and maybe like what she sees just a little bit.

But all that remains to be seen. I am still scared. Scared in an exciting way as well as in an apprehensive way. It is a lot to digest. To accept. I am hopeful that I am enough. Enough for me. And with that, I can be enough for the ones I love as well. I’d like to think that I can show them that tough decisions help make you strong and live purely.

More than anything I want to be at peace with myself.  I want to show them that it isn’t always easy but that to live a full and genuine life it is sometimes necessary to make change even when it might cause pain. We have such limited time here. I want to live it right. And I want to be a good example to them. It’s that simple. I guess we’ll see.