Actually, just go ahead and slam it shut as hard as you can.  Trust me it’s quite satisfying.

I haven’t written much about the personal details of certain events in my life this past year and I am not going to start now.  But I am going to let Karen 6 out of the bag now since she has popped up consistently within the context of these experiences.

In Karen, there is a girl who has little to no confidence in herself.  She takes blame easily and often allows others, usually very specific others, to intimidate her and cause her to doubt almost anything she thinks and feels.  In speaking with these people she can get lost in her delirious stream of thought, jumbling any idea or comment up so much so that she can no longer formulate a coherent sentence.  I guess you might say that these people instill a fear deep within her emotional circuitry.  Not fear in the sense that she’s frightened of them physically.  But the kind of fear that paralyzes your thoughts and actions, setting off a buzz in your head that requires only one thing – turning and running off at top speed. There is really no good explanation for why she exists.  Nonetheless, meet Karen 6 . . . . .

In many ways she is the epitome of the imposter syndrome – I am just not savvy enough to face this particular situation.  I might be smart in some ways but it really is all a sham,  The truth is that I am not enough – I don’t have what it takes – even though I might act like it otherwise.  It is in these situations where I turn and run that the imposter wins.

Karen 6 has risen to the surface quite a bit this past year during very specific interactions with a certain person.  It’s important to recognize that she doesn’t show up but for certain people.  I imagine they must trigger something in her, causing her paralysis and brainlessness.  The reason doesn’t matter as much as the incredible impact on her ability to succeed in negotiation.

I am presently in the middle of a negotiation of sorts and so Karen 6 is fresh and in my face.  I’ve struggled with her for years but lately, I have felt like it’s time to put the hammer down and figure out, not how to eliminate her, but how to take control of her.  How to stop giving others the power to tease her out.  Honestly, it’s embarrassing when in the middle of a conversation, one word can cause a brain scramble that is impossible to recover from.  Talk about sounding like an idiot as you try to formulate a coherent sentence that ends up sounding something like:

“whatdoyoumeanIdontgetitandcantthinkofanythingsmartorevenreasonabletosaybecausemybrainhasceasedtofunction”.   Or like

“blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahnananananananananananananana”

This elicits the predictable shake of the other person’s head and the end of the conversation by their stating the obvious, that you are an unresponsive and nonsensical idiot.

So how to do this.  This halting of another’s ability to snake around in. my brain, scramble it up and immobilize my thoughts.  Ultimately causing me to turn and run and then kick myself for doing so.  It’s a vicious pattern that I’ve become far too comfortable with.

Typically I am a very visual person.  When I think about something I have to picture it so that it will sink in.  So, as I was riding the other day and as I typically do when on the bike, I pondered this issue.  Specifically, I was thinking about how to prevent this nonsensical idiot from showing up.  I tried to visualize what I could possibly do to avoid letting someone else control my reaction.  And BAM, there it was.  I clearly saw Karen7 seeing this person at an entrance.  I approached and promptly slammed the door shut.  Hard.  Effectively blocking them from entering my space.  And by space I mean my head.  There was something so gratifying about the physical act of swinging the door with all my might and hearing it slam shut, causing the wall to tremble as it did so.  Then I noticed that there was no doorknob.  And I thought –  “VICTORY”.  Out you go.  And stay out.  So, this is the image I call to mind when I start any conversation that might lead down this road.

Of course, I’d be lying if I said that this was easy and that I now engage with confidence, speak my mind and stick to my guns all the time.  Nope, not so much.  But I can now sense when it’s starting, close my eyes and slam the damn door.  It seems to help me take a step away and remind myself that no one has the right to control your emotions or make you feel like less of yourself.  That, my friends, is all in our own hands.

I’m sure I will continue to need to remind myself of this and tell Karen7 to back the f—- off once I unscramble my brain.  But I think I am fiercely on the road to taking back that power.  And am well on my way to being an expert door slammer.