As I sit in the early morning hours drinking my coffee and watching the sunrise through the trees – by the way it’s fabulous, striking pink and orange feathering out to lavender and finally a perfect light blue sky above – I am struck once again with thoughts about the purpose of life. I know, I know. Shut up Karen. Everyone struggles with this elusive mystery. I wonder though how many people get stuck in it. In the muddy slogging mire that is this age old question. There are times when I just can’t drag myself out, let it go and be here now. For all the talk in this blog about letting shit go and living in the moment, I still get stuck wondering about what purpose I could possibly have here.

Of course, I am grateful for so much and know that if all I do is leave behind three incredible, smart, kind and thoughtful children to keep walking forward, then I’ve done a great thing. Still. Is that enough? Shouldn’t I be doing something really amazing? Something that will stand the test of time? Like discovering what infinity really means or some mathematical equation like Euler’s identity?

Some people say our purpose is to live a good life. To be kind and to help others. I get this, I really do. And I try to live this way. But honestly there are a few Karens that want to slap that pollyanna in the head and shout “fuck off, there must be more”.

Then there are people who have great faith in the afterlife. I really envy those people. They must get so much comfort from the thought that there is something else for each of us in the great beyond. I so wish I had that. But I just don’t.

All of this probably comes from my rounding the bend on an age I never imagined I’d reach. It just seems so impossible. And it is very hard to accept. When friends – one in particular who shall remain nameless but who surely knows who she is – talk about how to celebrate this birthday and how it’ll be so much fun, I put my hands over my ears and start chanting “LALALALALALALALALALA”.

Each day – and I mean literally – EACH DAY – I count down my remaining months left in this decade.  It’s like a ticking time bomb. Ridiculous I know because smart, well-adjusted people say it’s only a number. Age is all about how you feel not how many years you’ve been pacing the planet. I guess I accept this on some level. But for me, more often than not, my concentration is on what happens next and when that “next” will arrive.

There is a good side to this obsession. It makes me focus on what I am doing, how I am treating people, how much I give and how much I take. I really don’t let each day go by unaware of my longevity, my contribution or my lack thereof. Despite the anxiety it might provoke, I do think that self-awareness is a positive thing – even in darkness.

And then.

WAIT. HOLD UP. PUT ON THE BRAKES. Now this . . . .

I started writing this post about a month ago. Then all of a sudden we were smacked upside the head with “the corona”. All thoughts of the meaning of life and my reaching a milestone age have been shoved aside for thoughts more like: “WTF is happening? Are we seriously living through a pandemic? How could this happen? All things closed? No travel – anywhere, anytime – except to the grocery store? No visiting friends even those around the block?  Waiting in line, 6 feet apart, to get into a grocery store and then having to go only one-way down the aisle only to discover that there’s no toilet paper?

Wearing a mask? Gloves?  WTF?” I could go on and on but anyone reading this is living it too so I could probably have stopped at WTF.

It is without a doubt a surreal time. I often say I feel like I’m living in an F-rated movie, one that cannot possibly mirror real life. And then I see another masked face and know this is our new reality. At least for the time being.

Most days I feel like I’m living in a bubble. Sure most of my family is with me each in their own mini-bubbles and so far we are all well – a fact for which I am eternally grateful. However, this bubble gets smaller and smaller every damn day. In fact, some days I feel like I am sticking to the sides walking around in a suit of cellophane plastic wrap. Trying to push the edges away only to have them snap back all gooey and slimy with hand sanitizer that never dries. In this bubble, I wander the rooms of my house. Changing locations – and of course my outfit – to feel like I’m actually moving forward and am present in a new and different moment. I guess this helps overcome the “Groundhog Day” phenomenon we are all experiencing.

My children are engaging in virtual learning. Thank God they are good, independent learners because if I had to home school them I’m pretty sure there would be a lot of door slamming and screaming “I told you that’s not how we were told to do it!” All bets are off with actual learning in “the corona”. In fact, I watched a great video by Glennon Doyle (author of Untamed) – who by the way I highly recommend following. The message was something like: “Pre-corona TV time is limited to an hour or maybe 2 a day. You know, you don’t want brain dead children. Now, while in “the corona”, TV time is a 7 hour gig. Reading lessons occur when you close-caption the TV. Math is “count the number of raisins in your lunch”. Honestly, Doyle is a breath of fresh air and right on the money in my world. TV is king in “the corona”. Netflix and Michelob Ultra Gold are my new best friends. #truth

One bright spot for me is that I have had to focus on running again. After being injured this year, I’ve focused more on cycling – with my Sisters. Sorry, I had to say it. Now since I can’t cycle – with my Sisters – I am trying to get my running feet, lungs, stride, and head back. Although this has provided some relief, even then I can’t avoid “the corona” since whenever I am about to pass by someone they move to the other side of the street. Surely that’s a little much? We are outside right?

And then there are the people wearing masks when they are alone in their car. What? Some of these things I just don’t get.

At the same time I understand and respect that we are all so out of our own reality that everything is up for grabs and whatever we think keeps us corona-free goes. #nojudgment

And let’s not forget the news. OMG. I have tried hard to avoid watching it but it is like a train wreck – I can’t stop myself. I guess I’m hoping for something like “OK everyone.  It’s over. All good. Everyone can go back to their lives and be normal again.” So far, that is not the message. In fact, the “message” is confusing at best. I’ve written about some political thoughts before so anyone who’s read this blog, or knows me at all, knows that I am not a fan of this president. I can’t even capitalize the word for him. Anyway, the daily 4 hour press conferences are often laughable. The only real information is from Fauchi and Birx.  I have great respect for these guys. They are smart. They have been through similar epidemics. I trust them. On a pie chart they definitely get the biggest piece for intelligence based confidence building. Although, even they seem to mostly be repeating what we should all know by now. Stay home and wash your hands. Still I watch. Tapping my fingers hoping for a glimmer of levity and freedom.

Speaking of pie charts, often their emphasis on data and models makes me sleepy.  Maybe thats why I watch. To help me sleep. This is actually a good point since every day I wait for 7pm so I can get my pjs on and patiently wait for bedtime which is now only about an hour away.  Legit.

So, what’s my point you ask? Good question. “The corona” has created a crack in the otherwise solid lead weight I carry around. The one that screams “How can I be this old? How much time is left? What then? What am I supposed to be doing here?”. I could be very astute and say: “This time in “the corona” is a gift. It has given me time to ponder life and reset myself in it.”  However, that my friends would be pushing my luck. I am far too cynical for that B.S. But I will say that a glimmer of something like “enough already with the cry for the meaning of life” has been exposed.

The truth is, we are all in the same boat. Or maybe in our own boats traveling down similar rivers. I’ll admit that the boat is a bit shaky right now but it is still floating, moving forward and leaving a ripple of some pretty good stuff behind it. In these ripples I can see a lot. A lot of love, laughter, support, and kindness given and received. These things are beautiful and if that is what I am supposed to be doing while I’m here then that surely is enough.