It was a Thursday evening and she was still house and pet sitting for one of her best friends.  Not every night but she at least had to check-in and feed everyone each day.  This Thursday, though, she thought, ‘Today would be a good day to spend the night with the pets and be away. To gain some space.  Some clarity”.

This girl had a family, kids, a couple of dogs, and a husband.  But it was a tough time in her house.  Things were changing and as much as she didn’t want to be away from her children she felt that it was better to give herself space to let her wings unfold than to foster discomfort and stress.  So, off she went to pet sit after dinner was cleaned up and homework finished.

It was almost spring.  Well, technically it was spring but the weather was still cold and plenty of snow blanketed the ground. The freeze seemed to seep into her bones. And yet she could most certainly feel the tiny spark of light that comes with the coming sun.

Driving to her friend’s house was a strange experience.  One that she hadn’t expected.  There was an underlying sadness at what was happening but also a firm certainty that it was right; she felt peaceful.  This drive though elicited feelings that she didn’t anticipate.  She felt strong, powerful and an uneasy sense of joy.

These more positive feelings were disconcerting.  She almost had a sense of guilt feeling them.  She most assuredly felt undeserving and ashamed.  She had felt all sorts of things through the process so far.  But this drive was different.

Friends had said be prepared for loneliness sometimes when you are without your babies.  She expected this.  And it felt just about as bad as she thought it would.  It was the other more peaceful feeling that she couldn’t reconcile.

Her smart brain knew that this uneasy joy likely meant that she was on the right track.  A difficult track with many twists, turns, and roadblocks but with that came a certainty that it was the right track.  She had known this was her way for a long time.  She just hadn’t been able to step into it.  Now she thought she could.  And she had begun.  This, of course, is what her smart brain told her.

Then there was the other brain, the not-so-smart one.  The one who seemed to hold all the cards and just couldn’t let them drop into place.  It was this emotional, anxiety-ridden, fearful brain who said “Hold up.  What do you think you’re doing?  Turn around, put the cards down, and place them back into their neat little box.  You are incapable of doing this.  You must keep coloring within the lines drawn.”  She was the one who had won the battle time and time again.

And while it appeared that smart girl was finally holding the cards and dropping them one by one into their proper space, there was no question that her nemesis was not going down without a fight.  It is amazing – the power of fear and wariness. The false certainty that stepping into your truth, a truth that had been painstakingly edging its way forward, will only bring disaster and failure.

Even as she sat alone in this big house, watching the battle within her, watching not-so-smart skirt the edges and come back swinging, she knew that this time would be different. This time the smart girl would grab those cards, throw them into the air and watch as they floated into a beautiful, random paradigm, the essence of which was her truth.  The sadness and loneliness would hover for sure.  In some strange way, she knew that it should.  Because after all, nothing worth having comes without scars and loss. Those scars remind you of just how hard it was to find your way –  to rise above the obstacles – to become stronger.  Mostly, to remember the rightness of letting go of what doesn’t serve you and, against the odds, allowing yourself to become.