Guilt.  “Guilt is optional”, once said my very best friend after I had initiated a particularly unexpected breakup.  Unexpected for the boyfriend anyway.  Given the situation at the time, I felt bad for a while and then moved on leaving my guilt on the floor with the knowledge that my actions had not been completely unexpected and were necessary – for both of us.   Ever since, I have proudly spouted this same edict many times to anyone who needed to hear it.  Most people just nod and thank me for giving them permission to let it go.  

Now, after floundering around for a long time feeling unbalanced and restless, I find myself thinking a lot about the concept of guilt being optional. Actually, the thought dropped in on me one day when I heard my friend’s beautiful voice in my head loud and clear say, “Oh for God’s sake Karen, why can’t you remember –  “Guilt is optional. OPTIONAL. Let it gooooooo.”  

The thing is, the uneasiness that has been nipping at my heels follows what was supposed to be a very liberating life change. All I can really think about is:

“Wtf? Why, after all this seemingly forward movement, am I suddenly stuck in a pile of goo, slogging around getting more restless by the day?”

So once the idea fell on my head, something inside me cracked just a little, letting in a bit of light and I understood that all this unease might be a product of guilt, pure and simple.  I realized that before I could rinse the goo off and start walking, I needed to figure out exactly what to do with it because it clearly isn’t feeling very optional.

For starters, I’m not sure I ever really bought into the idea that guilt is actually an optional emotion.  I think it is likely circumstantial and also individual.  Some people have no ability to feel guilt or remorse.  Those people scare me because some things should make you feel guilt.  Most of us, though, feel guilty at one time or another for random actions that cause another person pain.  And when that happens how do we justify it?  How do we live knowing that we really caused pain to someone – maybe more than one someone?  

The question is even more complicated if the pain was a result of “good”intentions and out of the need to live your “best life”.

What if you are compelled to do something that changes the lives of others forever, in order to save yourself.  I know that sounds a bit dramatic.  By “saving yourself” I simply mean action motivated by the knowledge that you can’t keep up the fight anymore – something has to change or you will surely lose your shit.  

For me, the change was monumental in the moment, but not horrendous or even unusual.  Nonetheless, it caused hurt to the people that I love most in the world.  I knew that this would be the case at the time.  It wasn’t something I had done on a whim.  Quite the opposite.  It was something I had considered for many years.  The idea thrown in and out, over and over again until I knew that I really didn’t have a choice if I wanted to be a little more joyful, live a little lighter and, generally, be a better person.  So, forward I marched.  And now I find myself – all of us – on the other side, having adjusted for the most part, I think.  And me in a pool of emotion still losing some measure of my shit.

And here is where that lovely loud voice chimed in, tapping her finger on my forehead until I identified the goo as guilt.  And if I’m honest with myself there is some measure of regret thrown into the mix.  But that I will leave for another day.  So, this “guilt is optional” thing has taken a front row seat in my mind.  It is human nature to search for the one thread that is within reach in order to create order out of chaos.  “Guilt is optional” was my thread.  So I yanked it out and started trying to figure out what to do with it.  

I have concluded that the term “optional” is a relative one.  Extremely relative, in an ‘optional’ sort of way.  Maybe a determination of whether you can choose guilt or not goes something like this.  Yes, you feel guilt for overturning the apple cart and upsetting the “normal” dynamic but were your reasons for doing so honest and valid?  Is anyone better off?    If the answer is yes, then maybe you can choose Option A – let the guilt go. For me, as usual, the answer is not that easy, and I continue to endlessly pick at the scab . . . 

And just to bring the point home, I find myself crying a lot these days.  Actually, blubbering when alone in the car is a more accurate discription.  This is very unusual because I am most certainly NOT a crier.  Or I wasn’t.  And it’s ugly crying I’m talking about. The occurrence of these random explosive moments while standing in the goo, are what have caused me to consider the guilt “option” in the first place.  I figure they are so atypical that there must be a reason for them.  

So I consider all the things. Would I have been “ok” without the shift?  Yes, of course I would have been OK.  And maybe that should have been enough.  Maybe I should have tried harder to be “more OK”.  Maybe OK is really all we should ever really expect.  How much does my OK weigh when balanced with everyone’s else’s OK?  How permanent is the upset?  Is anyone besides you – or EVEN you – better off?  These are all questions that have different answers on different days – sometimes minutes.  And, honestly, it is likely that I will never have a firm answer for any of them and, if so, does that mean that my optional guilt will just keep following me around – sometimes letting it go and sometimes not?

I do realize that other factors probably enter the equation here.  Like the absolutely crazy passage of time at lightning speed, children growing up and leaving home, job uncertainty, money or the lack of it, a pandemic, a seriously frightening threat to our democracy, and the list goes on.  But when push comes to shove it has boiled down to self-doubt about my choices and the impact of them.   I’m not sure the self-doubt is optional once it lands in your head and heart.  And until that is resolved the residue of guilt may also not be optional.

One thing I DO know is that once certain decisions are made, actions taken, lives impacted, change launched – there is no going back. No matter the guilt, the remorse, the goo. We don’t get to reverse course on certain choices. It simply isn’t fair and not a privilege we can assume. So, maybe that is where the “option” to feel guilt or not is relevant. Maybe that is where you say, OK. what is done was done – with good intentions and without malice or any evil doing. It may not have been a perfect choice – for me or anyone – but it was a choice and with it comes a consequence. So, accept it for all that it is and is not – and move forward – letting any guilt go.

Maybe.