I have struggled with a lack of self-confidence for centuries it seems. I have always chalked it up to my upbringing, my own personal “demons”, never considering that it might be a gender issue. Now, I’m not so sure. I while ago I read Knowing Your Value, by Mika Brzezinski and found that my self-diagnosed lack of confidence might really be something else. It might be, at least in part, because I am a woman operating in – yes, let’s face it, it still is – a man’s world.

I started reading Knowing Your Value because I wanted to see if my insecurities could be mended by looking at how women operate in the workplace. I thought that maybe I could translate the ideas expressed from these women in business to all aspects of my life. The book is intended to empower women so they can effectively compete with men…….as men do. It examines how women assume that they have reached their position because of luck and are grateful to have it. This idea of being grateful is not based on self-worth, talent, skill or brilliance. It is based on luck. Luck. An idea that really has no basis in fact – just a pendulum swinging randomly. As I thought about this, I realized that it aligns exactly with how I have always felt. Skill? Whatever. It’s chance and luck that has brought me here. And this realization really pissed me off.

We all know that women are taught – whether it’s conscious or not – to be a peace-keeper, the one who holds it all together so we can move forward without discord. We massage egos, calm people down, make excuses, distract, give confidence, explain why everyone is right on some level, and differences in opinion are not fatal. But we are not taught to argue for our own different opinion, to stand up and be counted in our own right. Instead we are taught to support everyone else so THEY can be counted.

As we try to establish ourselves these things only work against us. They make us cynical, unconfident, defensive, quick to take the blame. Most importantly, we immediately think that our opinions are really not worth voicing. They are irrelevant or unimportant and certainly won’t make a difference. Another consequence of this is that we often take down our own allies. Why would we do this – to them? They are our real support system and the only ones who REALLY understand this divisiveness. And yet those are the ones we punish. How easy to blame and take down those who are most like you – after all you know how to reach their deepest vulnerability since it’s yours as well.

As a professional, I am a head down, tune everything out, zero-in scribe. A ‘make an outline, follow it through, check it 5 times, edit 5 more, then close your eyes and hold your breath while hitting send’, kind of person. These are not all bad qualities especially for a lawyer. In fact, they are important skills that have been carefully cultivated by my education. Edit, fact check, cite and re-cite everything you do ad nauseam to ensure that you are right. Or as right as you can be. Don’t make a move or speak until you know what you are talking about. These are most certainly not bad traits.

{ And next I should say that this is what makes me a good lawyer.  But even writing those words is hard for me . . . .}

These skills can certainly be bricks in the road to success. But they are also paralyzing and self-defeating. While I am a strong supporter of others, when it comes to advocating for myself I fall far, far short of a penny. I am doubtful to a fault. Praise is taken lightly. Silence is deafening. Asking for compensation is like a walk to the guillotine. I am a ‘thank you for letting me be here – no need to pay me’ – kind of person. And make no mistake these traits seep into your personal life. They become your instinctual first move in every game, including the relationship game.

Considering all this and how it has likely been encouraged by the influence of our wider society, has me angry. And it’s no wonder. I’ve accepted all this as part of who I am, how I was raised, a flaw in my character that I have and will accommodate. What a misconception. This is not a personal flaw that I have to accommodate – it is an imposed belief that I can choose to fight. It might not be easy but it is a choice that I can make. That in itself is empowering enough to feel a little more confident and recognize that there has been a slight shift in the balance of skill vs. luck.

So what’s the upshot. However this idea landed, wherever it came from, it landed on me.  It certainly seeps in around the edges of a lot of thought and action. But it does not define who I am and recognizing that immediately trims it down. Despite all that I carry around that is hard or at times self defeating, I have done pretty well. I have found the right space and the right people in all aspects of my life. And guess what? It hasn’t been just luck. I may never be able to say “Hey. You know what? I’m a smart Mother Fucker and deserve to be treated as such so step it up and deliver.” But I am learning to say that I am skilled, smart, careful and committed and deserve to be treated that way.

Of course right now I can only say these things to myself. But hearing it in my own head? Well, that’s a start.