There are times in all our lives when we experience something messy in a relationship – any kind of relationship. “Messy” can mean many things and can be the result of many different circumstances. Like . . . . .

This list could go on for days. Each potentially present in every relationship you have. Whether it’s with a partner, an employer, a friend, or family member.

Messy is personal and defined differently by everyone. Some rare people just go with the flow, no matter the direction of the tide. Some relish conflict and disagreement. They thrive on it. It fuels them. Some immediately run away at the first sign of disagreement. And others, probably most and definitely me, fall somewhere in between. I know that for me, the significance and status of the relationship involved will often define how I react to the conflict. And also, how much it hurts.

And that is really the crux of this post. How much the mess hurts. Over the past year I have watched as some of my most important people have been smacked upside the head with a mess or as I prefer to call it, a shitshow. The kind of shitshow that you just don’t see coming. It blindsides you and at first you can’t do anything but stumble around to get the ground back beneath your feet. These circumstances involve friendships – good ones. In fact I might even say best ones. And that is in many ways the most baffling part of the shitshow. 

Friendships between woman vary widely. From acquaintance status to going out buddies to “best friends forever” and a whole bunch in between. It’s a spectrum and along the spectrum there are assumptions you make about your relationship. For me, if you are on the best friend end of the line, the “Sister” end, you assume trust, honesty and loyalty. Even if you are far from each other, busy with “life” and don’t see much of each other, these are basic expectations. They exist in your heart. And when a certain kind of mess shows up – the shitshow – you are thrown. It is devastating. And it is fair to say that it is an outright betrayal. A betrayal of what is, for many of us, our closest and most precious connection. 

For many woman, having “Sisters” who have not been provided by blood but who you have chosen, with whom you share life’s best and worst moments, your deepest thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams are in a category all their own. Of course there are variations of this kind of friendship just like any other. Some would throw the word Sister around without any real meaning. But the ones I am talking about are more than friends, they are your lifeline. They are the anchor that holds you when you are lost and floundering. They are the one to whom you go running when disaster, a jackpot, or hilarity, strikes. There is an invisible thread that binds you to each other and believe me, any woman who is lucky enough to have this, will throw herself on a sword to keep it.

So, when a betrayal comes from that person, it is beyond destructive. 

To be clear, I am not talking about minor events of stupidity or word vomiting. We all say and do stupid things without thinking about the receiver’s feelings or in a heated moment. And very often those who are closest to us bear the brunt of it. I am surely guilty of that. But a purely messy encounter? A shitshow, that has clearly been motivated by meanness, selfishness, lack of thought and a blatant disregard for one of your Sisters. This is a betrayal of the deepest kind.

I have seen this happen this past year to some of my closest people. And I can say, it is truly baffling and 100% unacceptable. I know that some can and will forgive and move on, but even in those circumstances, the relationship will never be the same. How can it? Trust has been breached. Breached in the most precious of friendships.

And, in all honesty, these circumstances have impacted me. Someone who is not the target but is on the periphery. I have seen the fallout. I have seen the hurt, the disbelief, the attempt at providing an excuse and then the resignation that “Wow that wasn’t expected, wasn’t what I signed up for or ever thought I’d have to hear “. And I have witnessed the immediate disintegration of trust. 

All of that has made me much more conscious of my own actions and words. I know how precious my Sisters are to me. They are irreplaceable. I know how, in many ways, I could not go through much of my life without them. They have been my constant, my anchor, the hand that drags me back to the surface and shoves me into life. With just a little more strength and clarity and with a lot of gratitude. And to lose that is tragic and unthinkable.