Ramblings about choice or destiny . . . or both.

Who is actually in charge here?  This is a question that I have struggled with forever.  Is it me or am I being shoved along some path that lies before me and has been previously defined – not by me.

My natural predisposition has always been that the progression of our lives is largely fated.  Many things are just meant to be and have little to do with our actions.  The map has been defined and we are just rolling along with it.  Some would say this is quite the cop-out and a perfect way to take no responsibility for your life.  Maybe so. The idea of fate driving the bus is certainly a great excuse when things don’t work out quite as I had hoped.

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Many years ago I started chanting to myself

“You Create Your Own Reality”

This meant “Get your shit together Karen. Make a decision and stumble forward”.  In other words, work with what you have, or what you think you have, and make your life what you want it to be. I chanted this even while I was operating within the limits of a “things happening TO me rather than those things that I might MAKE happen” frame of mind. It became a way for me to feel in control of my future.  And I figured if I said it enough maybe it would stick.

One of my theories about why this persistent chant is a legit one arises from something someone said to me long ago.  It was “Why wouldn’t you believe that you guide your own future?  Even if it’s not true, what’s the downside?”.  Of course!  What a no brainer!  There is NO downside.  And the upside is that you feel in control of your destiny.  Who doesn’t want that??

So along I go, chanting away.  But under it all remains my nagging predisposition: Fate.  Surely I haven’t been the source of all this good stuff.  Because truly I have experienced a pretty sweet life with a lot of genuine good in it. “I sure have been lucky”.  And there it is. Luck is the factor.  Fate is my friend and has been very kind to me.  It certainly has nothing to do with my own choices.

Every time this surfaces I hit reset and restart my mantra.  At least I’m persistent. Exhaustingly so.

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The Lens

What I have realized is that to make my chant stick, I need a way to really define Creating my own reality.  Seriously, what the actual fuck does that REALLY mean.  I have to pin it to something of substance – to make it bigger than “Fate” and “Luck”.  And I have come to this.  Life presents itself to you and you get to see it through your own personal lens. A lens that belongs solely to you and is based on EVERYTHING you are, EVERYTHING you have experienced, EVERYTHING you know.  You get to experience life in ways that “fit” your lens at that moment. The lens is fluid and may change moment by moment.  Sometimes it even reflects the belief that Fate has brought you here and would have under any circumstance.  So what?  It’s YOUR lens – YOUR reality.  So, you interpret the things that happen – what you see – and turn right or left at a fork  – Creating your reality – in ways that suit your lens at that time.

Make sense?  If not, I’m going with it anyway . . . . .

While I have bought into this for the most part, the fluidity of the lens is tricky.  It inherently means that Creating your own reality is inconsistent.  Maybe contrary.  I have heard myself say: “Well, that was the best decision I’ve ever made – look where it got me” at the same time as “Isn’t it great that I got so lucky to have _____ show up now”.   Now there’s a contradiction. And a perfect example of not really knowing whether my reality is created by me or a predefined moment.  But I remind myself that the lens may have shifted and confused my perception in that moment.  And I resume the chant.

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Sabatoge

As I slog along dragging my not quite so convincing strategy behind me, Karen 5, the Bitch, shows up.

She rises and fully buys into the notion that there are certain things that we DO make happen.  Or more accurately, certain things that we purposely PREVENT from happening. Whether subconscious or with conviction.  Either way, we have set the stage and directed the parties to move and shape the scene with intention.  This goes hand in hand with what I now have adopted as chant #2 . . . . “You create your own storm“.  And by storm, I mean gaping holes and giant boulders appearing in front of you that make you stumble around. These roadblocks can make any progress toward what you want, or think you want, almost impossible. More importantly, I’m pretty sure I often place these boulders in my way – not with overt intention but something more undefined, more obtuse.  Engaging in behavior that will destroy even the most pleasant of moments on a regular basis.  It’s almost as if at the first glimpse of a choice that might lead to pure happiness, Karen 5 will rear her ugly head and smack down any potential joy. I now lovingly refer to this as Subconscious Sabotage.  

And here, there most certainly is an assertion of control – the making of a choice – despite the fact that it might be a choice that causes me to trip.  And maybe that is the point – here I am creating my reality – trippy though it may be.

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‘Fear’, the Bus Driver

I cannot count the number of times that I have felt frustrated with my inability to get to where I’m going.  Rather than take responsibility for not being able to shove the boulder out of my way, I will blame fate or the “Gods” for putting things just out of reach or making them much more difficult to achieve. While this is surely a cop-out in Creating your own reality, if I’m honest with myself I know that fear is really driving that bus. The fear that if I move the boulder or step over it, the other side will be less than what I thought or expected, or I will realize that I didn’t really want it after all and then what?  Or maybe even fear of actually getting what I want.  Actually letting myself be happy.  How devastating would THAT be?

(Pink eloquently shares this tidbit. Click the photo to take a listen.)

In fact, as I ponder this weird cycle of sabotage I realize that fear of being happy is a real thing. At least for me. Truthfully this fear underlies the character of all of the Karens sitting at the Table.  Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of real happiness, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of letting go. I mean honestly. What would I do if I let happiness in and had to stop whining about the inadequacies of life. The boulders that I cannot move around. My lack of decision making prowess. What would I do if I let go and just allowed myself to be happy and satisfied in this moment. Forget about whether events arise out of my actions, lack of action or some bigger picture.

Maybe that’s why I have obsessed about Fate vs. Creating my own reality.  Fate relieves the pressure to actually choose happiness.  Creating a reality of happiness is risky, it is too fragile and potentially fleeting. Just avoid the beautiful so if, or when, we lose it we won’t miss it. I know of course, in my smart head, that this is foolish and a waste of time.  Time that is short enough without wasting the opportunity for beauty and happiness.

And so the chant goes on.  Take a step, make a decision, move the boulder, Create your reality.

All of that and still I return to the stubborn question:  Am I in control or not?  I think that the likelihood is that there is a little bit of both in the mix of life – hence the lens. The lens allows these two very contradictory philosophies to co-exist.  Its fluidity permits Creating our own reality while believing that the step we are about to take might have been THE step all along.