What we teach our children, or hope to . . . .

There are many things we teach our children as parents.  Some of them are hard lessons, some easy, some beautiful and some not so much.  But all are important and, I hope, give them a basis on which to thrive and live their best life.

These are some of the things I hope I have taught my babies.

About money – how to save it – how to use it – and where it should fall in the line-up of life’s most important things.  

Although this might sound like I am making excuses for myself, I think there is great value in using money to make you happy and, even more, in understanding its significance.  It is a necessity, but it is also just a “thing”.  It does not define you – or it shouldn’t.  And I think most people will agree that you tend to spend what you have – whether it’s a lot or a little. I will admit that most of my money ‘smarts’ came late in life and the lessons are ongoing.  At least they showed up and I could show my children in real time how much I have learned.  

About right and wrong.  

This is a BIG job.  Not everyone agrees on what is right and what is wrong.  Except for the most egregious wrongs, I hope.  But other rights and wrongs like kindness, generosity, equality, honesty – those things are basic “rights” and there is not a doubt in my mind that our children learn this from us – our words certainly but mostly our actions.  I have always been honest with my children about how I have acted – whether right or wrong.  I am not afraid to apologize – to them or to anyone.  I hope they see the value in this level of honesty and admission of what might have been a wrong, as hard as it can be.

About being grateful.  

Grateful for ALL things big, small, easy, and hard.  Everything means something.  Everyone plays a role in your life.  Everything and everyone makes a mark.  Some become scars that you will see forever, and some heal leaving only a remnant.  Being grateful for all of it is not always easy.  But I hope they understand that it all contributes to the person you become and for that we should be grateful.

About regret and forgiveness.  

These are 2 sides of the same coin.  One is the side that is triggered by our actions.  The other is how we respond to someone else’s actions.  I know that my children understand that not everything is perfect or easy.  That sometimes we make mistakes and while these moments are not necessarily our best, they are human moments.  For me, the most important part of making mistakes is to acknowledge them, say “I’m sorry” and try to make it right if you can.  This is one of the hardest things to do but often the most important.  It mends relationships and it solidifies them.  

About love.  

With this there are so many lessons.  So, so many and they are never-ending.  Every day there is a new lesson in how to love and all the different facets of what that means.  My most important lessons to my children are these:

You don’t stop loving someone because you are not with them.  Whether it’s because they are gone or because you know that it is a place where you just don’t belong.  You can’t turn love off and on like water from a faucet.  Things may happen, events unfold, changes made, but the underlying emotion is not quick to vacate your heart.  And it shouldn’t be.  You may have to physically vacate space that was once created out of love, but I hope I have taught my children that you continue to carry it with you.  It may change in dimension, but it becomes part of who you are forever.  And that is a most definitely a gift.

Love is sometimes a choice and purposeful and sometimes it is by chance, luck and even a miracle.  Either way it is a gift.

Love can hurt.  A lot.  And it is hard.  Even when clear and true.  It takes compromise and commitment – things that are not always possible to accomplish.  Nonetheless, love plants itself somewhere in your heart forever, no matter the life result.

Love sometimes produces children and this is a bond that lasts forever.  Even if your family splinters you will still love the person that gave you them.  For me, this is the biggest gift ever.  

Love is not singular.  There are so many ways to love someone.  They are not at all like the storybooks that we are read as children.  They do not all have happy endings.  But the endings don’t remove the emotion.  It remains – if you let it.

Any way you slice it, it is a gift to love someone and be loved by them.  A gift that should be treasured and nourished.  And this, I think, is a choice.  I have learned that love requires that you choose it.  Each and every day.  You get up and look at yourself and make that choice. 

And sometimes you have to choose another path.  One that may be hard, painful, and lonely but one that you know in your heart is right for you and your life.  Even then, the love that you choose to turn away from is planted and part of you forever.   Sometimes you love someone better and more when you are not together.  

These are all things that I think our children learn from us one way or the other.  l hope that my life and all my choices, whether missteps, falls, wins, joys or heartache have taught my babies about what it means to be human, flawed, and imperfect, acknowledging your failures and mistakes but thriving on your successes.  Because all of it is amounts to a full life.