At the risk of being repetitive in my posts I recently found this unpublished one and given the past year of hard events, think that now is the time for this rambling.

 The old saying that time marches on is no joke.  No matter where you are in life, it seems like in just a few minutes you have passed through another decade only to find your mortality staring you down.

The passage of time necessarily brings with it a host of emotions, some of which are as expected.  Like the graduation of your children from high school.  This is something that I never thought would ever actually happen given the steady stream of bottles and diapers that seemed endless but were followed immediately by their departure to college.  Then those four years pass in a flash and mark the beginning of my offspring living on their own, at least in some quasi-independent fashion, and my “empty nest”.    

These things are the typical and anticipated life events, but they can feel like they happen suddenly – when you look away for just a moment. In my case, I can definitely say I wasn’t prepared. I used to joke with friends about how “It’s about damn time”, but that was just a front. The truth is I will never be ready to not have my children around me every day.

There isn’t much you can do about it.  Although I have threatened my youngest son with my daily search for an apartment next to his university.  He laughs each time, but I wonder if inside he’s endlessly repeating a new mantra – “Please God don’t let her do it” – under his laughter.  

Then there are those events that don’t just sneak up on you but smack you squarely in the face.  These involve losing parents, friends and family members; losing or changing jobs; facing divorce; dealing with illness; worry about whether there is enough in the hopper to see me through to the end. All things that seem fraught with stress and sometimes are straight up unbearable.

Many of these events have occurred over recent years and have left me crying on the bathroom floor, unable to function and basically empty.  Empty in a way that is difficult to crawl away from.  Even as I stick to my “self care” practices – therapy, yoga, running, cycling, friending, and writing, each one an attempt to try to make sense of all of it, I am often overwhelmed with sadness.  Even more than sadness, I am left with the world’s biggest question:  

WHAT IS THE POINT . . . . .

I was raised Protestant and baptized like most people but that’s where the lessons in the existence of a “Heavenly Father” ended.  We really didn’t go to church or have a consistent message that gave us faith.  We were left to figure it out.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I certainly don’t blame my parents.  They did the best they could based on their own upbringing.  And to be honest, I have continued this trend with my own children, with a little bit of The Force thrown in.  Emphasizing “the ways of The Force” in how you live your life has proven to be a tiny slice of faith that they carry with them – no matter how silly or theatrical it may seem.   And really who’s to say that The Force is any different from a God standing with a backdrop of the Heavenly Gates, both invisible to our sight or touch.  But I digress.  The fact remains that not having a traditional bucket of God in your back pocket to pull out in life’s most difficult moments makes it far more difficult to deal with the unavoidable life events down the road.   This is something I have only recently accepted.

I envy those that have traditional faith.  Even though I don’t get it.  They have such certainty as to why we are here and what comes next.  I imagine that must be a great comfort every day and most certainly during life’s major moments – both expected and not so much.  Someone once said to me “Why not believe in a God?” And I really get that. Why not? Isn’t it easier to believe that there is someone at the end of the road who will embrace you and say: “See? THIS is why all that happened. THIS is the point”. But as hard as I might try, I just don’t have that in me to fall back on or more accurately to fall into. And so, I am left with that emptiness that I cannot fill.  

Along with the emptiness, is the nagging sense that I am waiting for something.  I’ve had this sensation all my life and have come to think of it as the “someday” factor.  On one hand it is a feeling of waiting for the “something” to happen that will close the loop – that will settle any uncertainty with the knowledge that THIS was the point.  

On the other hand, I think that the sense of a someday is simply a basic belief in hope.  Hope that whatever is happening now is temporary and will bring you to another better, maybe happier moment.  Just simple hope. And maybe that is all that faith really is.  Not a certainty, but a sense of hope that means, as my Mom would say, “This too shall pass”.

As some of these more challenging life events have thrown a boulder or two in my path, I have come to a few conclusions.  

No. 1.  Life is short and is clearly meant for the living.  So live. Do the things that make you feel alive and don’t put them off. Do them now.  You may not have another chance.  As a good friend of mine once said, “Life is short, so wear your party pants”.  I love that and now go a bit farther and say “life is short, get out of your comfort zone and enjoy the small, beautiful things that you have”.  Wear the pearls.   It doesn’t matter where.  As you walk around your house and glance at yourself passing a mirror you will smile because of them.  Do it.

No. 2.  Nothing is irreversible.  Nothing is forever.  Well, some things are but not all.  There is usually room to maneuver and shift to another spot.  Even if it is a tiny shift, a shift and movement it is.  

No. 3.  While I struggle with the idea of fate, I mostly adhere to the idea that we are in control of our destiny.  Or at least we create much of our own reality.  For more on that tidbit from a few of the several Karens, visit: “You Create Your Own Reality. Or do you?“

No. 4. Try really hard not to be afraid. Even though I am a first rate worrier, I know in my heart of hearts that it is a useless waste of energy. I can worry until the cows come home – even when it is clear that I have no cows. And it gets me nowhere. Fast. Sometimes there is no way around it and the fear I feel is justified. But more often than not I am fearful of nothing and of everything. For a long time I actually thought that the worry was what kept me safe. This I know is a sort of “magical thinking”. At least that’s what my all time, very favorite therapist called it. I wore and many days still wear my worry and fear like a talisman. My invisible shield against the very worst happening. And while my smart brain tells me this is pure BS, that it is unnecessary and changes nothing, some days I still carry it proudly, certain that without it my world will fall to pieces. What I do know and am touting here as No. 4 of my brilliant conclusions is that worry creates fear – fear creates hesitancy – hesitancy creates paralysis. Don’t do it and if you must, keep it at bay.

So even when a boulder crosses your path and you trip over it rising with a bleeding forehead, remember to pick up a Band-Aid and keep moving.  I have been a wallower for a lot of my life and I know that it is useless. Get up and take a step.  Even a little one will get you going.  And then you are the one in charge.