I’ve written recently about the year of the fire horse. This is not to belabor the point but to put into words how I have and continue to experience this very clear change in inner tides.

2025 was a very strange year. There was definitely a shift in the way that I experience life and think about the future. I found that my tolerance of things that make me unhappy and that I might normally ignore faded. My sense of worth or value felt more justified than before.

As a woman, it is easy to feel that you don’t deserve to be compensated like others. You don’t deserve to want more. You don’t deserve to be happy unless it comes from giving yourself to others. There is very little reinforcement of the basic human right to be valued in and of itself. Everything seems to come with a price or a trade off. I think this might be part of what I have shedded and let fall into my “shit pit”. (See my last post for a definition of that one.)

In other words, the fire horse is fleeing from these thoughts – leaving them smoldering on the ground. This year I started to realize that maybe I am worth more than I give myself credit for.

Caveat: Make no mistake I still suffer from the imposter syndrome and am sure that some other Karen Butz passed the bar and “they” have just not caught on yet.

Seeing the smoldering of things I have felt my whole life really kicked my indignation into overdrive. And that is not pretty. In fact, being indignant is just plain ugly. It is an attitude that can make you mean and unkind. But as ugly as it can be, it also serves a purpose. Like the kick in the butt you need but don’t want.

I became angry that I have spent most of my adult life feeling “less than”. Or feeling like it is not enough to simply be who I am. Because surely that is inconsequential and insignificant. Hide that shit – the you that is you – out of site.

I now see that all of that indignation and anger was necessary for me to release or shed things that I was trying to make right or fit into. You cannot force things to be right. They will be right for you, or not, regardless of how hard you might fight for it. You can’t fit a round peg in a square hole as they say. Similarly it seems vastly wrong to just sit by and watch the real you sit on the sideline of your life. I wonder how much of life I have missed while not participating because I have felt like I was inadequate or not enough.

The smoldering has given me the chance to believe that maybe I am valuable just as I am. That even all the imperfections, insecurities, mistakes, fears carried by all of the Karens have value. More importantly, I am beginning to think that I deserve more than I have had the audacity to want. That I am capable of doing things that I have historically feared (Like being alone or speaking in public. But more on that later) and the outcome might just be very satisfying.

This year my insecurities and fears have started to peel away and what is beneath is completely unexpected. I found a new small sense of confidence and bravery hiding inside. And what do you know, Karen11 started to peek around the corner of the table. And that is quite a surprise. She has exposed a part of me I never thought was there.

I have never been a brave person particularly with certain things like public speaking. Going to law school was an attempt to overcome that. It didn’t. My practice is largely transactional safely letting me avoid any risk of oral argument. Mostly.

Karen11 has definitely caused a change in course. Not with my law practice but with something much bigger. Potentially anyway. For now I will leave it at that. If you’re curious about Karen11 and what she has brought to the table watch for my next post.